[She does speak of him like anybody else. She doesn't know why she shouldn't. He admits that he loves them, and that only makes her more worried for him. And she was already worried enough to begin with.
He curls up then, and her heart goes out to him. She might not be able to hear his thoughts, but she's there nonetheless. He wants to be held, and her hands are there to encircle him and hold him close to her. He wants to be loved, and her lips are there to press a kiss to the side of his head. He wants to matter, and her words are there only because he matters so much to her.]
...Do you know why I've been so skeptical all this time? It's not...just because of Gamzee. The things you've told me about your religion, I could almost believe them. The idea of the world being made in two parts, of it needing those two parts. I don't disagree. Sometimes I think I get it better than you think I do.
But I can't...imagine putting so much of that into a person. People are fallible. It doesn't matter if they're mortals or gods. When you put all of those things into a person, you're trusting them to decide for you. And everyone makes wrong decisions. Even when I could see the future--Kurloz, I still made wrong decisions. No one is above that. That would be asking too much, even of a god.
[She pets his hair back in soothing strokes, letting her fingers lace through the strands as they go, then gently pulling them free at end to start their journey again.]
It doesn't... really make sense to me, either. If everything has a dark and a light, then why should they only ever be right? And if what you feel opposes them, then why should that only ever be wrong?
[Sometimes they fight. Sometimes they clash calamitous, the two of them. But no one else is so attuned to him. No one else just clicks the fuck in. He leans into her arms, edges softening under her kiss. She's so goddamn good.
She listens to him and he tries to listen too, to really hear her preach, even when he's feeling uncertain up about it. He's not sure the uncertainty abates, but it shifts from a worry she's going to tear his faith apart into something... a little more bearable. Not much.
It's not until the last bits of what she says that he's really reconsidering. His voice is a muffled croak.]
That feels Blasphemous. That sounds the sort of thing what would get me executed for blasphemy. [Of course, there's a lot of things he'd be executed for if he were on Alternia now.
He lifts his head a little.]
... Gods are... they're meant to be perfect ain't they? Real gods. They're above all things, they're... better. Than mortals are. [But he can't deny that. If there's a balance then, at some point, someone must be wrong. Right?] Do... you think he made a mistake? [It feels safer to ask, than to question of his own will. He has been devout his whole life.]
[While it might be true, she refrains from pointing out that they all would have been executed at least ten times over. He's hurting right now, and she's not so sure that levity would fix this.
Instead, she listens some more. She worries that she might just not be able to get through this block. She worries that the pedestal is set too high. But then his question comes, and she's caught a little off guard that he wants her opinion on his god's actions.
She takes a moment to compose her thoughts. To really think about what he's asking. Her verdict is delivered as gently as possible.]
I think he used you. And maybe that got the results that were needed, but those results don't mean that the action was right. What was done to you was wrong. There should have been another way. There's always another way. [Privately, she thinks that perhaps he just didn't want to search for it. Finding a way to necessary outcomes are hard enough without trying to find a way to limit that damage. It sounds to her like he just didn't care.]
And more than that... I don't think it's a mistake for you to feel the way you do. You deserved better. Even when considering balance, at least one of your lives deserved better. I don't know how anyone could consider that fair, to rob you of so much both times.
[It's hard to hear. It's hard after going all his life, knowing himself a sinner, knowing himself a traitor, knowing himself motherfucking evil for all the cruelty done about. He's built up a thousand and more reasons why he's something wretched, undeniable facts, and he's understood he's lucky to be granted as much blessing as he's been.
She says he doesn't deserve it. It wasn't fair. He deserved better. From himself, it's a tantrum. From her, it's made real. His breath shudders.
He waits until he can speak. Then, at last, he says the untempered truth. An unsurprising truth but one always somewhat held back, somewhat strangled by his adoration. Now, it sharpens it.]
I wish it had not needed to happen. I wouldn't change it now, wouldn't give up you, wouldn't turn away from earth or whoever all got coming from it. But he... he could have waited. [His voice cracks sharp.] He could've saw as to it when I was a little bit older, when we'd had the chance to live. He could left me some way to heal, spoke softer. He could have left my friends out of it, my quadrants, Gamzee. [Once again, he's in tears before her. Once again, his words get carried away from him.] I ruined everything and he would have made me do it as like it was me! And nobody fucking figured it out, I read it so! They didn't notice or they thought it was being who I am natural. I used to want to save us, all of Beforus, and they... and he...
[He falls quiet. His voice is hoarse when he speaks again.]
... My first proper cull. I was going to die. The troll was so scared of me he was going to cull my ass. And I heard them. The Messiahs. They told me to take faith. They told me what to do to live. They showed me my paint and how to paint all the fuck together. When it was just me alone, I had them. When all my hope got destroyed, I still had them. They were the only ones who I never figured to hurt me. I wanted to believe there was someone what wouldn't... [Past tense. A defeat.]
[She lets him talk. She holds him as the truth comes out in a rush, and the tears start to fall. He feels broken by the time he's finished, and more than anything she hopes this is the good kind of break. The kind where everything can be set to heal, stronger than before.
She bumps her forehead against his, a simple expression of pity and support. She leaves it resting there.]
You don't need to be sorry. I'll always be here for you. Even for stuff like this. [She moves just a little, just enough to kiss his tears away. A hand comes up to gently wipe away whatever else she misses. She knows how hard this must be for him, but she's proud of the progress he's made. It's more than she ever thought he might have.]
You matter. Your feelings matter, and I won't let anyone tell you otherwise.
[She's wrapped around him, holding him togetherlike. She's listened so quiet. She bumps her forehead to his and his eyes close. He nuzzles just a little, as she speaks. Only then she's kissing him, tending so gentle.
He unravels just a little, becomes more troll. He moves in and kisses her proper, soft and chaste.
He doesn't know if this is the good sort of break or not either, but he hopes it is. He'll have to give it time to see how he goes about dealing by the mirthful.]
Even motherfucking me? Even the Lord of Destruction himself, it would seem. [It's a weak joke when his eyes are still indigo and his paint still mussed, but it's something.]
So... now that we've both torn free our world views from one another... maybe we can finally get about enjoying each other's company, yeah? Share some shit what's nice. I got something cool what to show you.
[She kisses him back, glad for the response to her comfort. Her heart still aches for him, but it eases a little as his despair relents.]
Even you. Even if your Lord shows up on my doorstep tomorrow. I'll kick him in the shins and tell him he's wrong.
[Her tone is half-joking, but only half. Him and his Lord. They're both wrong about how much Kurloz matters, and she'll do whatever it takes to show him that.
But she's also not opposed to just enjoying her matesprit's company. It's been a trying few days, and even with all the trouble it's caused her, she's still glad to be here. It feels good to be in his arms again. Even as he suggests that he has something to show her, she debates if it's worth leaving this comfortable entanglement.]
[He laughs, high-voiced and fearful, at the idea of her kicking the shins of a Messiah. That Messiah.]
Maybe... don't be kicking the Lord of Destruction for me, yeah? I don't think as like it would win favor or keep you well. I rather like you here.
[He forces a wry smile and it's more crooked than usual. Not in the right ways. At least not a first. He eases a little as he goes on.]
Well, there's two things, but if I'm showing the latter bit firstlike we'll never get on from it, heh.
[He lets her go, but doesn't get up. He just needs his arms enough to roll his shirt up to his and just letting it hang there.]
It... was impulse. Been fascinated since I learned it. That becoming a proper guardian granted these to them in our circles respective. I thought, if I'm committing as all to this protecting of worlds business, if I was going on through all this by my God then...
[He leans just a bit forward, to give his back some space. His eyes close. And just like that, before doubts and fear can hold him back, he sets them out. The wings spring from his back, unfolding and stretching out. They're not proper godtier wings, but he doesn't know what such things is looking like anyway. They're insect's wings, but they're strong. They spread wide, light catching the thin chitin and giving it the soft indigo iridescence. He beats them just once, then remains very still and silent, watching for approval or... not.]
[She's not sure where this is going, when he starts talking about proper guardians and protecting of worlds. But she's curious enough to let him keep going, even when he has to let go of her to do so. Her head tilts to sniff at him when he starts rolling up his shirt--She doesn't notice anything out of the ordinary from what she's smelled of him before. While his abdomen is a welcome scent and her first instinct is to touch her hands to it, she's not quite sure what the surprise is supposed to be.]
[Not until those wings suddenly unfurl from his back, and she's momentarily left at a loss for words. Her eyes open wide in awe, and if he's searching for approval, then she has more than enough to supply him. her voice finally comes, breathlessly.]
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carisma_sensei
no subject
Date: 2017-05-19 10:41 pm (UTC)He curls up then, and her heart goes out to him. She might not be able to hear his thoughts, but she's there nonetheless. He wants to be held, and her hands are there to encircle him and hold him close to her. He wants to be loved, and her lips are there to press a kiss to the side of his head. He wants to matter, and her words are there only because he matters so much to her.]
...Do you know why I've been so skeptical all this time? It's not...just because of Gamzee. The things you've told me about your religion, I could almost believe them. The idea of the world being made in two parts, of it needing those two parts. I don't disagree. Sometimes I think I get it better than you think I do.
But I can't...imagine putting so much of that into a person. People are fallible. It doesn't matter if they're mortals or gods. When you put all of those things into a person, you're trusting them to decide for you. And everyone makes wrong decisions. Even when I could see the future--Kurloz, I still made wrong decisions. No one is above that. That would be asking too much, even of a god.
[She pets his hair back in soothing strokes, letting her fingers lace through the strands as they go, then gently pulling them free at end to start their journey again.]
It doesn't... really make sense to me, either. If everything has a dark and a light, then why should they only ever be right? And if what you feel opposes them, then why should that only ever be wrong?
no subject
Date: 2017-05-19 11:44 pm (UTC)She listens to him and he tries to listen too, to really hear her preach, even when he's feeling uncertain up about it. He's not sure the uncertainty abates, but it shifts from a worry she's going to tear his faith apart into something... a little more bearable. Not much.
It's not until the last bits of what she says that he's really reconsidering. His voice is a muffled croak.]
That feels Blasphemous. That sounds the sort of thing what would get me executed for blasphemy. [Of course, there's a lot of things he'd be executed for if he were on Alternia now.
He lifts his head a little.]
... Gods are... they're meant to be perfect ain't they? Real gods. They're above all things, they're... better. Than mortals are. [But he can't deny that. If there's a balance then, at some point, someone must be wrong. Right?] Do... you think he made a mistake? [It feels safer to ask, than to question of his own will. He has been devout his whole life.]
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 12:33 am (UTC)Instead, she listens some more. She worries that she might just not be able to get through this block. She worries that the pedestal is set too high. But then his question comes, and she's caught a little off guard that he wants her opinion on his god's actions.
She takes a moment to compose her thoughts. To really think about what he's asking. Her verdict is delivered as gently as possible.]
I think he used you. And maybe that got the results that were needed, but those results don't mean that the action was right. What was done to you was wrong. There should have been another way. There's always another way. [Privately, she thinks that perhaps he just didn't want to search for it. Finding a way to necessary outcomes are hard enough without trying to find a way to limit that damage. It sounds to her like he just didn't care.]
And more than that... I don't think it's a mistake for you to feel the way you do. You deserved better. Even when considering balance, at least one of your lives deserved better. I don't know how anyone could consider that fair, to rob you of so much both times.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 02:19 am (UTC)She says he doesn't deserve it. It wasn't fair. He deserved better. From himself, it's a tantrum. From her, it's made real. His breath shudders.
He waits until he can speak. Then, at last, he says the untempered truth. An unsurprising truth but one always somewhat held back, somewhat strangled by his adoration. Now, it sharpens it.]
I wish it had not needed to happen. I wouldn't change it now, wouldn't give up you, wouldn't turn away from earth or whoever all got coming from it. But he... he could have waited. [His voice cracks sharp.] He could've saw as to it when I was a little bit older, when we'd had the chance to live. He could left me some way to heal, spoke softer. He could have left my friends out of it, my quadrants, Gamzee. [Once again, he's in tears before her. Once again, his words get carried away from him.] I ruined everything and he would have made me do it as like it was me! And nobody fucking figured it out, I read it so! They didn't notice or they thought it was being who I am natural. I used to want to save us, all of Beforus, and they... and he...
[He falls quiet. His voice is hoarse when he speaks again.]
... My first proper cull. I was going to die. The troll was so scared of me he was going to cull my ass. And I heard them. The Messiahs. They told me to take faith. They told me what to do to live. They showed me my paint and how to paint all the fuck together. When it was just me alone, I had them. When all my hope got destroyed, I still had them. They were the only ones who I never figured to hurt me. I wanted to believe there was someone what wouldn't... [Past tense. A defeat.]
Thank you. For being here. And I'm sorry.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 03:27 am (UTC)She bumps her forehead against his, a simple expression of pity and support. She leaves it resting there.]
You don't need to be sorry. I'll always be here for you. Even for stuff like this. [She moves just a little, just enough to kiss his tears away. A hand comes up to gently wipe away whatever else she misses. She knows how hard this must be for him, but she's proud of the progress he's made. It's more than she ever thought he might have.]
You matter. Your feelings matter, and I won't let anyone tell you otherwise.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 05:11 am (UTC)He unravels just a little, becomes more troll. He moves in and kisses her proper, soft and chaste.
He doesn't know if this is the good sort of break or not either, but he hopes it is. He'll have to give it time to see how he goes about dealing by the mirthful.]
Even motherfucking me? Even the Lord of Destruction himself, it would seem. [It's a weak joke when his eyes are still indigo and his paint still mussed, but it's something.]
So... now that we've both torn free our world views from one another... maybe we can finally get about enjoying each other's company, yeah? Share some shit what's nice. I got something cool what to show you.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 10:54 pm (UTC)Even you. Even if your Lord shows up on my doorstep tomorrow. I'll kick him in the shins and tell him he's wrong.
[Her tone is half-joking, but only half. Him and his Lord. They're both wrong about how much Kurloz matters, and she'll do whatever it takes to show him that.
But she's also not opposed to just enjoying her matesprit's company. It's been a trying few days, and even with all the trouble it's caused her, she's still glad to be here. It feels good to be in his arms again. Even as he suggests that he has something to show her, she debates if it's worth leaving this comfortable entanglement.]
What is it?
no subject
Date: 2017-06-03 10:22 pm (UTC)Maybe... don't be kicking the Lord of Destruction for me, yeah? I don't think as like it would win favor or keep you well. I rather like you here.
[He forces a wry smile and it's more crooked than usual. Not in the right ways. At least not a first. He eases a little as he goes on.]
Well, there's two things, but if I'm showing the latter bit firstlike we'll never get on from it, heh.
[He lets her go, but doesn't get up. He just needs his arms enough to roll his shirt up to his and just letting it hang there.]
It... was impulse. Been fascinated since I learned it. That becoming a proper guardian granted these to them in our circles respective. I thought, if I'm committing as all to this protecting of worlds business, if I was going on through all this by my God then...
[He leans just a bit forward, to give his back some space. His eyes close. And just like that, before doubts and fear can hold him back, he sets them out. The wings spring from his back, unfolding and stretching out. They're not proper godtier wings, but he doesn't know what such things is looking like anyway. They're insect's wings, but they're strong. They spread wide, light catching the thin chitin and giving it the soft indigo iridescence. He beats them just once, then remains very still and silent, watching for approval or... not.]
no subject
Date: 2017-12-03 05:36 pm (UTC)[Not until those wings suddenly unfurl from his back, and she's momentarily left at a loss for words. Her eyes open wide in awe, and if he's searching for approval, then she has more than enough to supply him. her voice finally comes, breathlessly.]
Kurloz... They're amazing.