[It's hard to hear. It's hard after going all his life, knowing himself a sinner, knowing himself a traitor, knowing himself motherfucking evil for all the cruelty done about. He's built up a thousand and more reasons why he's something wretched, undeniable facts, and he's understood he's lucky to be granted as much blessing as he's been.
She says he doesn't deserve it. It wasn't fair. He deserved better. From himself, it's a tantrum. From her, it's made real. His breath shudders.
He waits until he can speak. Then, at last, he says the untempered truth. An unsurprising truth but one always somewhat held back, somewhat strangled by his adoration. Now, it sharpens it.]
I wish it had not needed to happen. I wouldn't change it now, wouldn't give up you, wouldn't turn away from earth or whoever all got coming from it. But he... he could have waited. [His voice cracks sharp.] He could've saw as to it when I was a little bit older, when we'd had the chance to live. He could left me some way to heal, spoke softer. He could have left my friends out of it, my quadrants, Gamzee. [Once again, he's in tears before her. Once again, his words get carried away from him.] I ruined everything and he would have made me do it as like it was me! And nobody fucking figured it out, I read it so! They didn't notice or they thought it was being who I am natural. I used to want to save us, all of Beforus, and they... and he...
[He falls quiet. His voice is hoarse when he speaks again.]
... My first proper cull. I was going to die. The troll was so scared of me he was going to cull my ass. And I heard them. The Messiahs. They told me to take faith. They told me what to do to live. They showed me my paint and how to paint all the fuck together. When it was just me alone, I had them. When all my hope got destroyed, I still had them. They were the only ones who I never figured to hurt me. I wanted to believe there was someone what wouldn't... [Past tense. A defeat.]
[She lets him talk. She holds him as the truth comes out in a rush, and the tears start to fall. He feels broken by the time he's finished, and more than anything she hopes this is the good kind of break. The kind where everything can be set to heal, stronger than before.
She bumps her forehead against his, a simple expression of pity and support. She leaves it resting there.]
You don't need to be sorry. I'll always be here for you. Even for stuff like this. [She moves just a little, just enough to kiss his tears away. A hand comes up to gently wipe away whatever else she misses. She knows how hard this must be for him, but she's proud of the progress he's made. It's more than she ever thought he might have.]
You matter. Your feelings matter, and I won't let anyone tell you otherwise.
[She's wrapped around him, holding him togetherlike. She's listened so quiet. She bumps her forehead to his and his eyes close. He nuzzles just a little, as she speaks. Only then she's kissing him, tending so gentle.
He unravels just a little, becomes more troll. He moves in and kisses her proper, soft and chaste.
He doesn't know if this is the good sort of break or not either, but he hopes it is. He'll have to give it time to see how he goes about dealing by the mirthful.]
Even motherfucking me? Even the Lord of Destruction himself, it would seem. [It's a weak joke when his eyes are still indigo and his paint still mussed, but it's something.]
So... now that we've both torn free our world views from one another... maybe we can finally get about enjoying each other's company, yeah? Share some shit what's nice. I got something cool what to show you.
[She kisses him back, glad for the response to her comfort. Her heart still aches for him, but it eases a little as his despair relents.]
Even you. Even if your Lord shows up on my doorstep tomorrow. I'll kick him in the shins and tell him he's wrong.
[Her tone is half-joking, but only half. Him and his Lord. They're both wrong about how much Kurloz matters, and she'll do whatever it takes to show him that.
But she's also not opposed to just enjoying her matesprit's company. It's been a trying few days, and even with all the trouble it's caused her, she's still glad to be here. It feels good to be in his arms again. Even as he suggests that he has something to show her, she debates if it's worth leaving this comfortable entanglement.]
[He laughs, high-voiced and fearful, at the idea of her kicking the shins of a Messiah. That Messiah.]
Maybe... don't be kicking the Lord of Destruction for me, yeah? I don't think as like it would win favor or keep you well. I rather like you here.
[He forces a wry smile and it's more crooked than usual. Not in the right ways. At least not a first. He eases a little as he goes on.]
Well, there's two things, but if I'm showing the latter bit firstlike we'll never get on from it, heh.
[He lets her go, but doesn't get up. He just needs his arms enough to roll his shirt up to his and just letting it hang there.]
It... was impulse. Been fascinated since I learned it. That becoming a proper guardian granted these to them in our circles respective. I thought, if I'm committing as all to this protecting of worlds business, if I was going on through all this by my God then...
[He leans just a bit forward, to give his back some space. His eyes close. And just like that, before doubts and fear can hold him back, he sets them out. The wings spring from his back, unfolding and stretching out. They're not proper godtier wings, but he doesn't know what such things is looking like anyway. They're insect's wings, but they're strong. They spread wide, light catching the thin chitin and giving it the soft indigo iridescence. He beats them just once, then remains very still and silent, watching for approval or... not.]
[She's not sure where this is going, when he starts talking about proper guardians and protecting of worlds. But she's curious enough to let him keep going, even when he has to let go of her to do so. Her head tilts to sniff at him when he starts rolling up his shirt--She doesn't notice anything out of the ordinary from what she's smelled of him before. While his abdomen is a welcome scent and her first instinct is to touch her hands to it, she's not quite sure what the surprise is supposed to be.]
[Not until those wings suddenly unfurl from his back, and she's momentarily left at a loss for words. Her eyes open wide in awe, and if he's searching for approval, then she has more than enough to supply him. her voice finally comes, breathlessly.]
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carisma_sensei
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 02:19 am (UTC)She says he doesn't deserve it. It wasn't fair. He deserved better. From himself, it's a tantrum. From her, it's made real. His breath shudders.
He waits until he can speak. Then, at last, he says the untempered truth. An unsurprising truth but one always somewhat held back, somewhat strangled by his adoration. Now, it sharpens it.]
I wish it had not needed to happen. I wouldn't change it now, wouldn't give up you, wouldn't turn away from earth or whoever all got coming from it. But he... he could have waited. [His voice cracks sharp.] He could've saw as to it when I was a little bit older, when we'd had the chance to live. He could left me some way to heal, spoke softer. He could have left my friends out of it, my quadrants, Gamzee. [Once again, he's in tears before her. Once again, his words get carried away from him.] I ruined everything and he would have made me do it as like it was me! And nobody fucking figured it out, I read it so! They didn't notice or they thought it was being who I am natural. I used to want to save us, all of Beforus, and they... and he...
[He falls quiet. His voice is hoarse when he speaks again.]
... My first proper cull. I was going to die. The troll was so scared of me he was going to cull my ass. And I heard them. The Messiahs. They told me to take faith. They told me what to do to live. They showed me my paint and how to paint all the fuck together. When it was just me alone, I had them. When all my hope got destroyed, I still had them. They were the only ones who I never figured to hurt me. I wanted to believe there was someone what wouldn't... [Past tense. A defeat.]
Thank you. For being here. And I'm sorry.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 03:27 am (UTC)She bumps her forehead against his, a simple expression of pity and support. She leaves it resting there.]
You don't need to be sorry. I'll always be here for you. Even for stuff like this. [She moves just a little, just enough to kiss his tears away. A hand comes up to gently wipe away whatever else she misses. She knows how hard this must be for him, but she's proud of the progress he's made. It's more than she ever thought he might have.]
You matter. Your feelings matter, and I won't let anyone tell you otherwise.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-20 05:11 am (UTC)He unravels just a little, becomes more troll. He moves in and kisses her proper, soft and chaste.
He doesn't know if this is the good sort of break or not either, but he hopes it is. He'll have to give it time to see how he goes about dealing by the mirthful.]
Even motherfucking me? Even the Lord of Destruction himself, it would seem. [It's a weak joke when his eyes are still indigo and his paint still mussed, but it's something.]
So... now that we've both torn free our world views from one another... maybe we can finally get about enjoying each other's company, yeah? Share some shit what's nice. I got something cool what to show you.
no subject
Date: 2017-05-24 10:54 pm (UTC)Even you. Even if your Lord shows up on my doorstep tomorrow. I'll kick him in the shins and tell him he's wrong.
[Her tone is half-joking, but only half. Him and his Lord. They're both wrong about how much Kurloz matters, and she'll do whatever it takes to show him that.
But she's also not opposed to just enjoying her matesprit's company. It's been a trying few days, and even with all the trouble it's caused her, she's still glad to be here. It feels good to be in his arms again. Even as he suggests that he has something to show her, she debates if it's worth leaving this comfortable entanglement.]
What is it?
no subject
Date: 2017-06-03 10:22 pm (UTC)Maybe... don't be kicking the Lord of Destruction for me, yeah? I don't think as like it would win favor or keep you well. I rather like you here.
[He forces a wry smile and it's more crooked than usual. Not in the right ways. At least not a first. He eases a little as he goes on.]
Well, there's two things, but if I'm showing the latter bit firstlike we'll never get on from it, heh.
[He lets her go, but doesn't get up. He just needs his arms enough to roll his shirt up to his and just letting it hang there.]
It... was impulse. Been fascinated since I learned it. That becoming a proper guardian granted these to them in our circles respective. I thought, if I'm committing as all to this protecting of worlds business, if I was going on through all this by my God then...
[He leans just a bit forward, to give his back some space. His eyes close. And just like that, before doubts and fear can hold him back, he sets them out. The wings spring from his back, unfolding and stretching out. They're not proper godtier wings, but he doesn't know what such things is looking like anyway. They're insect's wings, but they're strong. They spread wide, light catching the thin chitin and giving it the soft indigo iridescence. He beats them just once, then remains very still and silent, watching for approval or... not.]
no subject
Date: 2017-12-03 05:36 pm (UTC)[Not until those wings suddenly unfurl from his back, and she's momentarily left at a loss for words. Her eyes open wide in awe, and if he's searching for approval, then she has more than enough to supply him. her voice finally comes, breathlessly.]
Kurloz... They're amazing.