THAT'S BECAUSE YOU GET THOUGHT AS YOU'RE LESSER THAN YOU IS. and i got a problem at with shutting up. IRONIC CONSIDERING I'M THE FORMER MUTE UP IN THESE MEADOUS.
i don't know on about what i'm being to deserve, jeremy. I AIN'T THAT GREAT A MOTHERFUCKING PERSON. but thanks, i guess.
LISTEN. we should chill some time, you and i. SO LONG AS YOU AIN'T INTENDING TO DIE ON ME THAT IS. and if you're wanting to. IF I'M AFRAID OF THIS I HAVE TO FACE IT. and it might be nice to not talk about all them things what get ill by our lot. PERHAPS.
you don't need to avoid me, is what i'm saying at.
How do you do it? I mean. How's it even possible, when everyone around you's telling you that you're good and deserving and worthy and bullshit like that when it's the hardest thing for you to believe for yourself, what's it take for that to suddenly work and flip the switch and you can stop hating yourself for a few minutes?
I don't know if you know how to do that. It just seems impossible.
And I'm not really avoiding you or anything. I don't think I am. Maybe I am. I'm more afraid that if I open my mouth in front of you again I'm just going to make things worse.
TRUTH BE TOLD, JEREMY, IT AIN'T A THING WHAT'S BEING DONE OFTEN BY ALL EVERYONE. a lot of motherfuckers know who i was going to turn into. THEY KNOW WHAT I WAS. what i would've up and been. MAJORITY WAS MEETING HIM. they know what i am. AND SO A GOODNESS PURE AND DESERVING ABSOLUTE ISN'T QUITE SO GIVEN TO ME. i don't get to stop hating who i am because it's all what keeps them safe. SAY TRUE, I'VE FOUGHT SOME UP ABOUT IT, BUT THAT'S BEING TWO OCCASIONS.
first being i was going to do something stupid like let a motherfucker kill me so as they could get vengeance due. MY FRIENDS WAS REAL PISSED OFF AT ME FOR THAT. in them cases, i got to remember i owe it to them. MY LIFE AIN'T ALL BELONG TO ME NO MORE. the second was some noise by matesprit. SHE HAS TROUBLE KNOWING AREA GREY. she brought me all to betterness thinking good was a part of my intrinsic. IT TOOK ALL THIS TIME FOR HER TO SEE THAT WASN'T BEING SO. scared the fuck out of that she couldn't see my ill. I STILL GET AFRAID I'M GOING TO HURT SOMEONE IF AS MY IRE GETS TOO GREAT.
but there are times as they ask me to be seeing how far i've come. THEY REMIND I'VE GOT ALL THIS WAY. and the funny thing is for each time you get breaking down, it's a little further what you got to. AND IT SEEMS MORE AND MORE A WASTE THROWING IT ALL AWAY.
there's also being times i want to throw it all the fuck down on anyways. I KNOW IT AIN'T ACTUALLY EASIER BEING A MONSTER. i know it still hurts. BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE THE IDEA OF IT. i like the thought of not giving a damn. BUT I CAN NEVER GO THROUGH NOW. like what i said, my life ain't mine and i can't make waste.
THE FONDEST I'VE FELT ON MYSELF WAS BACK IN THE CAPITOL. they brought my other self. HE FREAKED ME UP OUT AT FIRST. then when i lost him and he came back, i couldn't let him go. HE WAS THE OTHER HALF OF ME, DON'T YOU KNOW? but here, i got my memory back. HE AIN'T A DIFFERENT MOTHERFUCKER NO MORE, HE'S ME AS MUCH AS ME. was a sort of thing whereas some winning got had and some losing. I DON'T MISS HIM NO MORE AND I CAN LIVE FOR US. but i also can't seperate my ownself from how i feel of me. I CAN SORT OF GET ABOUT IT BY MY DESCENDANT. i see myself in him, the best parts. EVEN WHEN OTHERS AIN'T. he's got complication too.
BUT LIKING MYSELF AIN'T A THING WHAT I WAS EVER GOOD AT. i just make as all to pretend and try not thinking too much of it. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DONE BUT IT'S ALL I KNOW HOW AT TO DO.
then there was back when i had nobody. BACK THEN I JUST GOT ANGRY AT TIME OPPORTUNE ENOUGH TO SAVE MY LIFE. i went on as like to be spiting all them what wanted me dead. I THINK IN MY PROPER TIMELINE I MERE DO THAT UP UNTIL I DIE.
i probably ain't shouldn't be saying all this.
I CAN UNDERSTAND FEAR ON OF SAYING SHIT. if you knew how to sign we could just do that up instead. BUT I GUESS IF WE'S BOTH AFRAID IT CAN'T BE ALL TOO BAD. honk.
[ it's hard to really come up with something to say to all that - even with things that sound all too familiar to him, having an "other self" and not being so separated with them in the end, that's something he's more than familiar with. but things are still tense, he doesn't want to say anything he shouldn't. ]
Izzekiel,
If it's not possible, it's not possible. But I guess pretending's a thing that can work.
You don't have to say anything you don't want to either. Don't want to make things harder than they already are.
Can't sign. But I can bring my journal. Might be easier to write shit down first instead of blurting things out accidentally. If you're up for it, that could work.
I can work on that at least. If it works for you, maybe it'll work for me too.
I'll stop by sometime. Gather up the nerve. But only if you want to. I know you said you needed your time and space and I don't want to be barging in on you when you don't want to see me.
Journal's nothing much. Just helps to write shit down sometimes. Keeping some important things in it for reminders. Just thought I'd mention it if neither of us were up for talking about it.
- Jeremy
[ the bottom of the note has a bright blue painted pawprint smudged on it. ]
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carisma_sensei
no subject
Date: 2017-04-16 03:13 am (UTC)THAT'S BECAUSE YOU GET THOUGHT AS YOU'RE LESSER THAN YOU IS. and i got a problem at with shutting up. IRONIC CONSIDERING I'M THE FORMER MUTE UP IN THESE MEADOUS.
i don't know on about what i'm being to deserve, jeremy. I AIN'T THAT GREAT A MOTHERFUCKING PERSON. but thanks, i guess.
LISTEN. we should chill some time, you and i. SO LONG AS YOU AIN'T INTENDING TO DIE ON ME THAT IS. and if you're wanting to. IF I'M AFRAID OF THIS I HAVE TO FACE IT. and it might be nice to not talk about all them things what get ill by our lot. PERHAPS.
you don't need to avoid me, is what i'm saying at.
- IZZEKIEL ♑︎
no subject
Date: 2017-04-16 04:45 am (UTC)How do you do it? I mean. How's it even possible, when everyone around you's telling you that you're good and deserving and worthy and bullshit like that when it's the hardest thing for you to believe for yourself, what's it take for that to suddenly work and flip the switch and you can stop hating yourself for a few minutes?
I don't know if you know how to do that. It just seems impossible.
And I'm not really avoiding you or anything. I don't think I am. Maybe I am. I'm more afraid that if I open my mouth in front of you again I'm just going to make things worse.
But I can give it a try, I guess. If you want to.
- Jeremy
no subject
Date: 2017-04-16 05:20 am (UTC)TRUTH BE TOLD, JEREMY, IT AIN'T A THING WHAT'S BEING DONE OFTEN BY ALL EVERYONE. a lot of motherfuckers know who i was going to turn into. THEY KNOW WHAT I WAS. what i would've up and been. MAJORITY WAS MEETING HIM. they know what i am. AND SO A GOODNESS PURE AND DESERVING ABSOLUTE ISN'T QUITE SO GIVEN TO ME. i don't get to stop hating who i am because it's all what keeps them safe. SAY TRUE, I'VE FOUGHT SOME UP ABOUT IT, BUT THAT'S BEING TWO OCCASIONS.
first being i was going to do something stupid like let a motherfucker kill me so as they could get vengeance due. MY FRIENDS WAS REAL PISSED OFF AT ME FOR THAT. in them cases, i got to remember i owe it to them. MY LIFE AIN'T ALL BELONG TO ME NO MORE. the second was some noise by matesprit. SHE HAS TROUBLE KNOWING AREA GREY. she brought me all to betterness thinking good was a part of my intrinsic. IT TOOK ALL THIS TIME FOR HER TO SEE THAT WASN'T BEING SO. scared the fuck out of that she couldn't see my ill. I STILL GET AFRAID I'M GOING TO HURT SOMEONE IF AS MY IRE GETS TOO GREAT.
but there are times as they ask me to be seeing how far i've come. THEY REMIND I'VE GOT ALL THIS WAY. and the funny thing is for each time you get breaking down, it's a little further what you got to. AND IT SEEMS MORE AND MORE A WASTE THROWING IT ALL AWAY.
there's also being times i want to throw it all the fuck down on anyways. I KNOW IT AIN'T ACTUALLY EASIER BEING A MONSTER. i know it still hurts. BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE THE IDEA OF IT. i like the thought of not giving a damn. BUT I CAN NEVER GO THROUGH NOW. like what i said, my life ain't mine and i can't make waste.
THE FONDEST I'VE FELT ON MYSELF WAS BACK IN THE CAPITOL. they brought my other self. HE FREAKED ME UP OUT AT FIRST. then when i lost him and he came back, i couldn't let him go. HE WAS THE OTHER HALF OF ME, DON'T YOU KNOW? but here, i got my memory back. HE AIN'T A DIFFERENT MOTHERFUCKER NO MORE, HE'S ME AS MUCH AS ME. was a sort of thing whereas some winning got had and some losing. I DON'T MISS HIM NO MORE AND I CAN LIVE FOR US. but i also can't seperate my ownself from how i feel of me. I CAN SORT OF GET ABOUT IT BY MY DESCENDANT. i see myself in him, the best parts. EVEN WHEN OTHERS AIN'T. he's got complication too.
BUT LIKING MYSELF AIN'T A THING WHAT I WAS EVER GOOD AT. i just make as all to pretend and try not thinking too much of it. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DONE BUT IT'S ALL I KNOW HOW AT TO DO.
then there was back when i had nobody. BACK THEN I JUST GOT ANGRY AT TIME OPPORTUNE ENOUGH TO SAVE MY LIFE. i went on as like to be spiting all them what wanted me dead. I THINK IN MY PROPER TIMELINE I MERE DO THAT UP UNTIL I DIE.
i probably ain't shouldn't be saying all this.
I CAN UNDERSTAND FEAR ON OF SAYING SHIT. if you knew how to sign we could just do that up instead. BUT I GUESS IF WE'S BOTH AFRAID IT CAN'T BE ALL TOO BAD. honk.
- IZZEKIEL
no subject
Date: 2017-04-16 09:24 am (UTC)Izzekiel,
If it's not possible, it's not possible. But I guess pretending's a thing that can work.
You don't have to say anything you don't want to either. Don't want to make things harder than they already are.
Can't sign. But I can bring my journal. Might be easier to write shit down first instead of blurting things out accidentally. If you're up for it, that could work.
- Jeremy
no subject
Date: 2017-04-16 09:10 pm (UTC)CAN'T TELL YOU IF IT IS. but yeah, pretending and minding what things is being like to keep one here, it's almost like being to like i figure.
I AIN'T MIND TALKING. it gets quiet up in the meadous sometimes.
BUT A JOURNAL, THAT'S BEING LEGIT. all well and good by that. WHATEVER'S WORKING AT FOR YOU, BROTHER.
- izzekiel
no subject
Date: 2017-04-17 09:45 am (UTC)I can work on that at least. If it works for you, maybe it'll work for me too.
I'll stop by sometime. Gather up the nerve. But only if you want to. I know you said you needed your time and space and I don't want to be barging in on you when you don't want to see me.
Journal's nothing much. Just helps to write shit down sometimes. Keeping some important things in it for reminders. Just thought I'd mention it if neither of us were up for talking about it.
- Jeremy
[ the bottom of the note has a bright blue painted pawprint smudged on it. ]