HE MAKES SENSE AT TO SOMEONE. that's something he ain't heard often. HONK. :o)
[He's relieved. Finally, he's made some headway.]
sure. BUT IT AIN'T GOING TO BE HAPPENING. i've waited longer for shit.
[And then for a moment he just stares at the paper. He's always saying, he doesn't lie. If people want the truth they need only ask. Well here this brother is. Asking.]
IT WAS TORTURE. i've been run through, beaten, crushed, stabbed, even mother fuckin killed. NONE OF IT COMPARED TO THE FEAR OF OPENING UP. to the fear of losing it all. I WAS SO MOTHERFUCKING AFRAID, MY BROTHER, I NEARLY CULLED EVERYONE I CARE FOR. i would have, for it is writ in my proper motherfucking future, that it was at to be. ONLY THAT FUTURE GOT CUT UP WHEN I WAS BEING TAKEN. and for some fuckin reason, my allies looked upon my truly fucking evil husk of a self, and they took pity. THE TROLL WHOSE LIFE I RUINED UTTERLY SAVED MY MIND FROM SHATTERING IN AN INSTANT AND BECAME MY MOIRAIL. my dear sister, my matesprit, i hurt her friend, i hurt her, and still she came back to me and i asked her. MOTHER FUCKING. why? WHY THE MOTHERFUCK WOULD SHE COME BACK. she said it was because i'd stayed for her. HADN'T EVEN FUCKIN MEANT TO. hadn't even thought shit of when i told her to chase better. DIDN'T CULL HER IMMEDIATE BECAUSE HER ANCESTOR, MY WOULD HAVE BEEN PARTNER, MADE DEAL WITH ME AS NOT TO.
you think you're so bad, brother? YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON ME.
every step i fought. I TORE AT MY ENEMIES WHOM I NOW CALL MY DEAREST FRIENDS. every instance i could see betrayal, i ran. I SCREAMED AND FOUGHT AND RAN THE FUCK AWAY FAR AS I COULD GET STILL TRAPPED IN THAT WRETCHED CITY. i had to get schoolfed how not to thirst for cull. I HAD TO GET MY LEARN ON WHAT IT UP AND WAS TO GET CLOSE. i hadn't any idea how to trust anymore, after the life i lived, until my matesprit taught at to me.
AND WHEN I LOST THEM FUCKERS I'D FINALLY GOT IN CLOSE TO? when, in all my prior learnings i got it about me that the only safe way was isolation? IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN MY MOTHERFUCKING POWER NOT TO KILL EVERYONE IN THAT TOWER I STAYED. i did not succeed alone. I DRUGGED MYSELF. i begged even my enemies to restrain me. MY ABILITY TO BEAR SUCH LOSS WAS SO FUCKIN NULL MY ONLY SOLUTIONS WAS DESTROYING EVERYTHING.
can't lose nobody if there ain't nobody to lose, ain't that right, brother?
I DIDN'T SEE HOW MUCH I'D BEEN CRUSHING MYSELF. i didn't care.
SEE I'VE BEEN FIGHTING TO LIVE SINCE THE MOMENT I HATCHED. the first i could walk i was seeing trolls die. I WAS YOUNGER THAN HOW ZEPHYR'S LOOKING WHEN I HAD TO CULL MY FIRST TROLL. i was six sweeps when some seadweller dragged me up for the last time and made me wish i could die. I WATCHED MY DA SHOW UP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN NEARLY A SWEEP BEFORE HE TURNED AWAY FROM MY WEAKNESS. i thought my only friend had abandoned me. THE ONLY REASON I DIDN'T DIE THEN WAS BECAUSE I GOT ANGRY. and angry i up and stayed.
WAS THREE THINGS WHAT STOPPED ALL THAT. my family what's being my friends. MY MEMORIES OF MY LIFE BEFORE, WHERE I KNEW PEACE, WHAT I AIN'T WASN'T HAVING UNTIL I CAME HERE. and cause they took the angry out of me when they made me a nothing. THEY TOOK MY TONGUE AND MY WILL AND ALL EVERYTHING WHAT MADE ME TO BE ME. sometimes i still get thinking; WAS A REAL MONSTER, ME, IF SUCH THINGS WAS MAKING ME BETTER. but that took a sort of healing too.
SO I GOT MY SIDE WHAT'S A MONSTER. i got my side what's a slave. UP IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THAT IS SHATTERCRACKS WHERE I FIGURED OUT WHAT BITS OF ME COULD BE ANY GOOD. i remembered the kid i used to be. I LEARNED EVERY SINGLE SHITBIT OF MY FUTURE. and then here i came into remembering the old me.
IT'S AMAZING TO ME HOW LITTLE THEM WHAT'S OUTSIDE MY CIRCLING SEEMED TO FIGURE IT OUT. i started up rebellion into full force in the capitol and ain't hardly none of them motherfuckers knew it used to be occupational of me to grind rebellions into dust. NOT SURE HOW MUCH ALL OF ANY HERE KNOW I WAS A SLAVE.
there were holes in my thinkpan when i came here. SCARS SOUL-DEEP DONE UP BY SWEEPS OF VOODOO AND ROTTING. zephyr healed them, healed my voice so i could speak just like anybody. AND THEN FOR THE NEXT SWEEP GOING ON TWO I'VE BEEN LEARNING WHAT IT IS TO NOT BE FIGHTING A WAR AND HOW TO LET GO OF THEM LOST WITHOUT LOSING MY MIND. and that ain't even half the goddamn story.
I HAVE BROKEN DOWN SO MANY TIMES I AIN'T EVEN GOT COUNT FOR IT. i have wept. I HAVE TORE AT MY OWNSELF. i have been so far out of my own motherfucking nug i could touch the stars if i was feeling anything like i wasn't dying. YOU THINK YOU'RE A WALKING BREAKDOWN? i'm a motherfucking apocalypse and i do mean that literally.
BUT AFTER ALL THIS, THERE'S A MIRACLE HERE. you know what that is?
IT MEANS I GOD DAMNED KNOW THAT IT DOES NOT MATTER WHO THE MOTHERFUCK ANYONE IS OR WHAT IS BEING IN THEIR HEAD.
if they try, if they have the help, they can overcome it.
I AM THE GREATEST SOURCE OF INSANITY IN THIS MEADOW. i am the cruelest motherfucker i have ever been to meet. NOBODY HAS EVEN COME CLOSE. and yet, because some beautiful fools reached out, here i am. SOME EVEN GET TO THINKING I'M WORTH SOMETHING, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? miracles.
THE MEADOUS IS FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH SOULS JUST LIKE YOU. repair being in all different states, and slowly but surely, we are healing.
YOU AIN'T GOING TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO. i've battled bigger beasts than you.
DO YOURSELF A MOTHERFUCKING FAVOR. find a moirail. AT LEAST A MOTHERFUCKER YOU CAN BE SPILLING THE WICKED SHIT TO WHAT'LL BE ABOUT THE HELPING FOR. you think you'll regret it, but you won't. TRUST ME.
[ it's a long letter, but Jeremy's not impatient, he sits and reads and takes his time and absorbs every word on the page. it's true, there's always someone worse off, no matter how bad it gets. while it doesn't invalidate his own problems and what he went through, it just puts things into a different perspective, and other things are easier to hear from someone who knows what to say - nothing like "cheer up, it'll get better," or "just try to stay positive!" or "you should smile more!"
he really hates that one.
everything else though, painful as it is to read and imagine what a life like that must've been like, how much worse everything had been and can be. there's still the same messages in it that he intends to trim out and cover the bathroom mirror with, and he still appreciates the effort that Izzy's going through just to try and drag him out of his shell.
but then there's more similarities. the mention of a rebellion is one. not having a tongue or the ability to speak is another one. so he wonders, and he agonizes over whether or not he should ask it considering how it's only made things since his arrival to the Meadous ... but it ends up in Izzy's inbox regardless. short, and to the point. ]
[Truth told, there's a fear in him the brother won't write back. After all admittance of his cruelty, he's always waiting for that other fucking walkstub to drop down and grind his bones to stardust. He's still waiting to be given exactly what he deserves. Why shouldn't he be turned away now?
But he ain't. There's a letter there for him and he's braced for it, not sure what to expect. Not expecting what it is he receives.
Ain't enough to read to be requiring a double take, but there's enough for him to raise his brows.]
i was. I AM. i never motherfucking left.
[A thousand inquiries after various states of safety spring to mind. He stifles them. They won't help Jeremy. But fuck, all this fucking time and he didn't know...]
MY LAST ARENA I GOT SPLIT IN TWO. i came here and stayed behind. HEARD THE OTHER ME AIN'T BEEN DOING NONE TOO WELL BUT I KNEW AS WHAT I WAS GETTING INTO BY MY PLANS.
[ well, there it is. confirmation. and Jeremy's right about two things: Izzy is the same person from Panem, and Izzy's not the same person he knew there. he's not sure if he should feel relieved or disappointed, so he settles for somewhere in the middle. at least they both know what Panem can do to a person, whatever side they end up on.
"split in two" is an interesting take on it, though. maybe half of him is still there. ]
Only once. The war started after it was over. Pretty much drafted after that.
The rest of it is kind of what I wanted to talk to you in person about.
aight. WE GOT SURE AND CERTAIN HANDLE UP ON THIS THEN. much as the capitol got being cruel, they ain't never been able at to surprise me with it. [Panem was always humans playing poor at Alternians to him, right down to using wriggler trials as entertainment. Whatever this is, it won't be nothing he hasn't seen before.]
READY WHENEVER AT YOU IS, BROTHER.
by the by. I'M SURE YOU GOT HEARING ON THIS PLENTY AND ALL. but i'm sorry this all happened to you. AND I'M SORRY WHAT I GOT TRYING FOR DIDN'T HELP A BROTHER OUT SOON ENOUGH.
[ even if it's not Izzy from the same time he knew him - the word "Initiate" comes to mind and he can't for the life of him figure out why - at least it's someone from Panem, someone who knows the despicable things the Capitol was capable of. they might not have had the most memorable conversation when they had met however long ago, but he knew-- ... well, he hoped that Izzy would've recognized him, that day during the murder mystery party.
but fuck it, he's never been worth remembering in the first place, no point in getting worked up over it. ]
I've heard it a lot. More than I ever want to. Doesn't do any good.
Might try to make my way over tonight. But honestly, and I know this is going to sound stupid, but writing all this shit out's been exhausting. Soon as I get there though, I'll let you know. If that works for you too.
nah, brother. I GET IT. hearducts haven't got no perceptions of stupid from that. WAIT ON YOUR WORD, I WILL.
[And it's funny that his old title comes to Jeremy's mind, since...]
i figure i ain't wasn't dead by your time, seeing as my girl, terezi, was telling me so. BUT I DIDN'T GO ABOUTS BY IZZY THERE. was just a name i took on when the punch got calling me it and i needed something to hide by. I'M ONE FAMOUS MOTHERFUCKER ON MY WORLD FOR ALL THEM WRONG REASONINGS. took me a while to get my admittance to that but i never shook of izzy. WAS CALLED THE INITIATE IN PANEM. i ain't know if you ever knew me, but, after all this, i'd like to be friends. IF THAT'S BEING CHILL WITH YOU. honk.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
carisma_sensei
no subject
Date: 2016-12-01 09:12 am (UTC)[He's relieved. Finally, he's made some headway.]
sure. BUT IT AIN'T GOING TO BE HAPPENING. i've waited longer for shit.
[And then for a moment he just stares at the paper. He's always saying, he doesn't lie. If people want the truth they need only ask. Well here this brother is. Asking.]
IT WAS TORTURE. i've been run through, beaten, crushed, stabbed, even mother fuckin killed. NONE OF IT COMPARED TO THE FEAR OF OPENING UP. to the fear of losing it all. I WAS SO MOTHERFUCKING AFRAID, MY BROTHER, I NEARLY CULLED EVERYONE I CARE FOR. i would have, for it is writ in my proper motherfucking future, that it was at to be. ONLY THAT FUTURE GOT CUT UP WHEN I WAS BEING TAKEN. and for some fuckin reason, my allies looked upon my truly fucking evil husk of a self, and they took pity. THE TROLL WHOSE LIFE I RUINED UTTERLY SAVED MY MIND FROM SHATTERING IN AN INSTANT AND BECAME MY MOIRAIL. my dear sister, my matesprit, i hurt her friend, i hurt her, and still she came back to me and i asked her. MOTHER FUCKING. why? WHY THE MOTHERFUCK WOULD SHE COME BACK. she said it was because i'd stayed for her. HADN'T EVEN FUCKIN MEANT TO. hadn't even thought shit of when i told her to chase better. DIDN'T CULL HER IMMEDIATE BECAUSE HER ANCESTOR, MY WOULD HAVE BEEN PARTNER, MADE DEAL WITH ME AS NOT TO.
you think you're so bad, brother? YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON ME.
every step i fought. I TORE AT MY ENEMIES WHOM I NOW CALL MY DEAREST FRIENDS. every instance i could see betrayal, i ran. I SCREAMED AND FOUGHT AND RAN THE FUCK AWAY FAR AS I COULD GET STILL TRAPPED IN THAT WRETCHED CITY. i had to get schoolfed how not to thirst for cull. I HAD TO GET MY LEARN ON WHAT IT UP AND WAS TO GET CLOSE. i hadn't any idea how to trust anymore, after the life i lived, until my matesprit taught at to me.
AND WHEN I LOST THEM FUCKERS I'D FINALLY GOT IN CLOSE TO? when, in all my prior learnings i got it about me that the only safe way was isolation? IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN MY MOTHERFUCKING POWER NOT TO KILL EVERYONE IN THAT TOWER I STAYED. i did not succeed alone. I DRUGGED MYSELF. i begged even my enemies to restrain me. MY ABILITY TO BEAR SUCH LOSS WAS SO FUCKIN NULL MY ONLY SOLUTIONS WAS DESTROYING EVERYTHING.
can't lose nobody if there ain't nobody to lose, ain't that right, brother?
I DIDN'T SEE HOW MUCH I'D BEEN CRUSHING MYSELF. i didn't care.
SEE I'VE BEEN FIGHTING TO LIVE SINCE THE MOMENT I HATCHED. the first i could walk i was seeing trolls die. I WAS YOUNGER THAN HOW ZEPHYR'S LOOKING WHEN I HAD TO CULL MY FIRST TROLL. i was six sweeps when some seadweller dragged me up for the last time and made me wish i could die. I WATCHED MY DA SHOW UP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN NEARLY A SWEEP BEFORE HE TURNED AWAY FROM MY WEAKNESS. i thought my only friend had abandoned me. THE ONLY REASON I DIDN'T DIE THEN WAS BECAUSE I GOT ANGRY. and angry i up and stayed.
WAS THREE THINGS WHAT STOPPED ALL THAT. my family what's being my friends. MY MEMORIES OF MY LIFE BEFORE, WHERE I KNEW PEACE, WHAT I AIN'T WASN'T HAVING UNTIL I CAME HERE. and cause they took the angry out of me when they made me a nothing. THEY TOOK MY TONGUE AND MY WILL AND ALL EVERYTHING WHAT MADE ME TO BE ME. sometimes i still get thinking; WAS A REAL MONSTER, ME, IF SUCH THINGS WAS MAKING ME BETTER. but that took a sort of healing too.
SO I GOT MY SIDE WHAT'S A MONSTER. i got my side what's a slave. UP IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THAT IS SHATTERCRACKS WHERE I FIGURED OUT WHAT BITS OF ME COULD BE ANY GOOD. i remembered the kid i used to be. I LEARNED EVERY SINGLE SHITBIT OF MY FUTURE. and then here i came into remembering the old me.
IT'S AMAZING TO ME HOW LITTLE THEM WHAT'S OUTSIDE MY CIRCLING SEEMED TO FIGURE IT OUT. i started up rebellion into full force in the capitol and ain't hardly none of them motherfuckers knew it used to be occupational of me to grind rebellions into dust. NOT SURE HOW MUCH ALL OF ANY HERE KNOW I WAS A SLAVE.
there were holes in my thinkpan when i came here. SCARS SOUL-DEEP DONE UP BY SWEEPS OF VOODOO AND ROTTING. zephyr healed them, healed my voice so i could speak just like anybody. AND THEN FOR THE NEXT SWEEP GOING ON TWO I'VE BEEN LEARNING WHAT IT IS TO NOT BE FIGHTING A WAR AND HOW TO LET GO OF THEM LOST WITHOUT LOSING MY MIND. and that ain't even half the goddamn story.
I HAVE BROKEN DOWN SO MANY TIMES I AIN'T EVEN GOT COUNT FOR IT. i have wept. I HAVE TORE AT MY OWNSELF. i have been so far out of my own motherfucking nug i could touch the stars if i was feeling anything like i wasn't dying. YOU THINK YOU'RE A WALKING BREAKDOWN? i'm a motherfucking apocalypse and i do mean that literally.
BUT AFTER ALL THIS, THERE'S A MIRACLE HERE. you know what that is?
IT MEANS I GOD DAMNED KNOW THAT IT DOES NOT MATTER WHO THE MOTHERFUCK ANYONE IS OR WHAT IS BEING IN THEIR HEAD.
if they try, if they have the help, they can overcome it.
I AM THE GREATEST SOURCE OF INSANITY IN THIS MEADOW. i am the cruelest motherfucker i have ever been to meet. NOBODY HAS EVEN COME CLOSE. and yet, because some beautiful fools reached out, here i am. SOME EVEN GET TO THINKING I'M WORTH SOMETHING, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? miracles.
THE MEADOUS IS FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH SOULS JUST LIKE YOU. repair being in all different states, and slowly but surely, we are healing.
YOU AIN'T GOING TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO. i've battled bigger beasts than you.
DO YOURSELF A MOTHERFUCKING FAVOR. find a moirail. AT LEAST A MOTHERFUCKER YOU CAN BE SPILLING THE WICKED SHIT TO WHAT'LL BE ABOUT THE HELPING FOR. you think you'll regret it, but you won't. TRUST ME.
no subject
Date: 2016-12-02 05:46 am (UTC)he really hates that one.
everything else though, painful as it is to read and imagine what a life like that must've been like, how much worse everything had been and can be. there's still the same messages in it that he intends to trim out and cover the bathroom mirror with, and he still appreciates the effort that Izzy's going through just to try and drag him out of his shell.
but then there's more similarities. the mention of a rebellion is one. not having a tongue or the ability to speak is another one. so he wonders, and he agonizes over whether or not he should ask it considering how it's only made things since his arrival to the Meadous ... but it ends up in Izzy's inbox regardless. short, and to the point. ]
Were you in Panem?
no subject
Date: 2016-12-02 06:05 am (UTC)But he ain't. There's a letter there for him and he's braced for it, not sure what to expect. Not expecting what it is he receives.
Ain't enough to read to be requiring a double take, but there's enough for him to raise his brows.]
i was. I AM. i never motherfucking left.
[A thousand inquiries after various states of safety spring to mind. He stifles them. They won't help Jeremy. But fuck, all this fucking time and he didn't know...]
MY LAST ARENA I GOT SPLIT IN TWO. i came here and stayed behind. HEARD THE OTHER ME AIN'T BEEN DOING NONE TOO WELL BUT I KNEW AS WHAT I WAS GETTING INTO BY MY PLANS.
mirth, were you a tribute also?
no subject
Date: 2016-12-02 07:13 am (UTC)"split in two" is an interesting take on it, though. maybe half of him is still there. ]
Only once. The war started after it was over. Pretty much drafted after that.
The rest of it is kind of what I wanted to talk to you in person about.
no subject
Date: 2016-12-02 07:29 am (UTC)aight. WE GOT SURE AND CERTAIN HANDLE UP ON THIS THEN. much as the capitol got being cruel, they ain't never been able at to surprise me with it. [Panem was always humans playing poor at Alternians to him, right down to using wriggler trials as entertainment. Whatever this is, it won't be nothing he hasn't seen before.]
READY WHENEVER AT YOU IS, BROTHER.
by the by. I'M SURE YOU GOT HEARING ON THIS PLENTY AND ALL. but i'm sorry this all happened to you. AND I'M SORRY WHAT I GOT TRYING FOR DIDN'T HELP A BROTHER OUT SOON ENOUGH.
no subject
Date: 2016-12-02 08:12 am (UTC)but fuck it, he's never been worth remembering in the first place, no point in getting worked up over it. ]
I've heard it a lot. More than I ever want to. Doesn't do any good.
Might try to make my way over tonight. But honestly, and I know this is going to sound stupid, but writing all this shit out's been exhausting. Soon as I get there though, I'll let you know. If that works for you too.
no subject
Date: 2016-12-02 08:30 am (UTC)[And it's funny that his old title comes to Jeremy's mind, since...]
i figure i ain't wasn't dead by your time, seeing as my girl, terezi, was telling me so. BUT I DIDN'T GO ABOUTS BY IZZY THERE. was just a name i took on when the punch got calling me it and i needed something to hide by. I'M ONE FAMOUS MOTHERFUCKER ON MY WORLD FOR ALL THEM WRONG REASONINGS. took me a while to get my admittance to that but i never shook of izzy. WAS CALLED THE INITIATE IN PANEM. i ain't know if you ever knew me, but, after all this, i'd like to be friends. IF THAT'S BEING CHILL WITH YOU. honk.
no subject
Date: 2016-12-03 04:20 am (UTC)Yeah. I knew you.
We only spoke once. Wasn't anything important. Fuck if I can even remember half of it.
But maybe we should save the whole friend talk thing until after we meet and figure shit out. No point getting ahead of ourselves or anything.
[ ever the optimist. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-12-03 04:24 am (UTC)HEH. aight. SOME PATIENCE DUE.
hope to hear from you soon, brother. YOU KNOW WHAT TO BE DOING.
no subject
Date: 2016-12-03 04:54 am (UTC)[ after a crying session/power nap, of course. ]