We The Lost Mailbox

[carnagecarnival]

 
The Initiate | 1338 Pound Cake Lane

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[carnagecarnival]

[He throws his hands up and shakes his head.]

Don't be asking me how to get a talk on at her. I ain't do nothing but fuck up by what's by her, swear at it.

[Of course, that ain't exactly all of what she's asking. He puts his hands back down.]

But yeah, just write I figure. Fovos is a chill motherfucker. If my letters get on to you and back from then it ought to be working. I've told her a bit on about you. I think she'd like to know you she's just got fear on cause all she's a recluse what pretends she don't feel shit. [A pause.] Don't tell her I told at you that.

She's known some alternates more of you, I think. And she's had close dealing with elder of me. Though not exact as we know, it ain't good. Maybe get avoidancies for them things.

[codename_snapdragon]

[Terezi's already got her hands up, like she plans to placate him somehow, when he seems to catch on to what she means. He has her undivided attention for as long as his instructions and warnings continue, filing everything away so that maybe...maybe she can work herself up to this.]

I'll be careful. I just...want to be able to know her better, you know? Not just things I've read about her. I want to make her a little more real.

[And in the process, probably prove his point. It occurs to her that she deviated from their conversation about how he didn't feel like a very inspiring ancestor to...talk about her own.]

...Have you tried asking her? How to be an ancestor? Or asking Meulin?

[carnagecarnival]

[He barks a laugh. It's more self-depreciating than cruel, but he couldn't blame her if she heard him all wrong.]

Fuck no.

[He shakes his head again.]

... I've talked to Meulin, for some motherfucking sense of what could be called it. We were thinking to lusii brought back in Panem. We got admitting them dead. Descendants came in natural turn. We talked on losing and trying not to be making attachment and doing so anyway and all them ways a step would be willed averting. We talked on that feeling, knowing someone's yours... but that's what it was at. Wasn't really how to be being an ancestor as all it was wishing we was better ones, taking times missed.

As for the Neophyte, I couldn't ask her advice on nothing, I think she'd just get ire on at me or close the fuck up like she's always doing. [He shrugs. He doesn't actually know.]Most I could manage was telling her of you.

[But Terezi's a Pyrope so maybe she'll get through better. Maybe.]

[codename_snapdragon]

[The way that he talks about her ancestor has her worried... What if she doesn't take to her any more than she's taken to her matesprit? What if she's not good enough to earn her favor? They got along well enough in Panem, but only after some miscommunication had Redglare running her down like a criminal. Even after that, she still wasn't sure how much the older troll liked her. Did a few pleasant conversations mean that she would be able to engage with this Redglare, too? Or was she simply more amiable due to needing allies in a place like Panem?

The thoughts preoccupy her again, and it takes her a moment to snap out of it. She almost wants to demand what he told Redglare about her, but she bites her tongue on that train of conversation.]

Maybe... the point is that no one really knows how to do it. I mean... We're not even supposed to meet our ancestors. Or our descendants. At best, they could leave things for us, and even then, that was only the higher castes. Anything beyond that was unheard of. Assuming that someone was your ancestor felt like taboo, unless you had undeniable proof. It felt like there were so many rules, so many missteps... I was terrified the first time I met Redglare. And you had already told her my name and everything. [She pokes him in the side as retaliation, though she's long been over it.] But that terror wasn't just from meeting her... It was everything else, too.

So maybe the point is that... it's probably not a big deal if you don't know what you're supposed to be doing. You care about doing it right. That's probably already better than most of our species ever managed.

[carnagecarnival]

[Her fears spin round and round. He can take her hand, give it a squeeze as all to comfort, but he can say nothing wit certainty. He doesn't understand the Neophyte well enough at all to be stating on proper response to a descendant, even if he thinks the Neophyte should respond well enough, both in theory and kindness. He listens intently, with only a slight furrow in his brow, right up until she prods his side and he's forced to grin sheepish at her. He doesn't regret what got done. He spoke no ill of her and besides, he'd hardly cared back then.] Descendants wasn't something I ever thought about. I got hearing of it before it'd even up and occurred. I feel like I would've figured the damn things would just... never crawl out of the caverns. Die up in the trials and the better to them. Then I'd just... not have to fucking care. I don't know if I ever could've been like how the empress does at it, just culling them off, no care up at all. But then, I'd probably have got culling any all anyways since that's how I tended to do shit. [He obviously motherfucking cares now. A lot. And definitely doesn't want to be culling Gamzee, so long as nothing goes spectacularly badly.] This the part where I confess I ain't know what to say to him all otherwise and how all it matters to me while you get pretending like it ain't make you all a sorts nauseous? Because we can skip that part, don't you know. [He leans in to kiss her quick.] Thank you, by the by.

[codename_snapdragon]

[She squeezes his hand back, instinctively. She knows what fears he must be feeling off of her, and she appreciates the comfort.

The conversation veers more and more to talking about Gamzee directly. She's been trying to avoid addressing him and only speaking about Kurloz's side of things. The moment he mentions a 'him', Terezi cringes internally. He's not wrong. It does make her feel nauseous, and she's glad that he understands that well enough to let her drop it.]

...You're welcome. I wish I could be happier for you. [In that, she wishes that his descendant was anyone but Gamzee Makara. But that much doesn't need to be said.]

[carnagecarnival]

[He wishes she could be. He wishes all were easier. But he doesn't need it to be. This divide will not kill him. He leans on in, bumping his head to hers, nuzzling a bit.] You've done a lot. Just today you got on pushing much with this, with everything. And I know still you're hurting. Would only make us unhappy if you got pretending like you wasn't. [He rubs his thumb over the top of her hand.] Mere wish it'd not worry you so.

[codename_snapdragon]

[His nuzzling is taken and returned, despite the uneasiness that she still feels in her heart. He's her matesprit. No matter how much trouble he causes her, she'll never stop pitying him. That's been such a constant in her life these past few years. She's not sure what she would do if that ever did change.]

I'm okay. [Or she will be. Probably. It's close enough to count, she thinks. She needs to really think about everything that she's talked about in the past few days--and they've given her a lot to think about, but once she gets that sorted... Okay is a good word for what she thinks she'll be.

She lifts her hand away from his, resting it against the side of his neck. Her fingertips brush against the curls of hair at the base of his skull.]

...What about you; are you okay? Really okay? After everything? [Everything that he had told her. They only barely touched on what had happened before the fighting had started, and he had said that he was fine--better than fine, but she's starting to wonder if she had taken that response for granted.]

[carnagecarnival]

[He thinks he understands. Sure, there's more fear to be felt, but being okay wasn't something what's being perfect, he thinks. In this particular instance, he believes her, and he's happy for it.

He must admit, even if only to himself, that the little returns of affection and gestures new tend to help the notion of all being well. It's hard to doubt when she's brushing through his hair like that. He closes his eyes and tilts his head to it, just short of a purr, but certainly not short a smile.

It's amazing the differences that time and trust create. He notices it now after telling a tale of injuries inflicted.

He answer with only a little confusion. Mostly a laugh.]

I got you here. I got all everyone nearby as normal. No one's hurt, nobody's dead. We've fought before, and we've always got working it up and out, haven't we? Just like we up and did. Not sure why a brother wouldn't be being okay.

[If she means anything else, it's not come to him yet.]

[codename_snapdragon]

[It would be just like him to miss her meaning entirely. So worried about everyone else all the time, he doesn't realize that it's his well being that she's asking about.

She gives him that dead pan look that she does when he's being particularly thick. A thin press of her lips together and a tilt to her head... then she uses the hand at his neck to pull him in for a brief kiss.]

I didn't realize that scaring me half to death was something you'd forget so quickly. [She's teasing him, of course, but there's a hint of exasperation in her tone.] I don't really care how everyone else is doing right now... I just want to know about you. How are you doing?

[carnagecarnival]

[He felt the look and sure enough, when he opened his eyes it was there. The confusion grows in the face of her unimpressed stare. There's been a lot to be talking about. Whole motherfucking lot of things getting thought done over for.

He has to trace back. Scaring her to death? His shouting at her? No. That pertained to their fighting. A different time. (Too many times and also not nearly enough considering who he is and what self preservation lacking that means.) Not Gamzee for she wouldn't want to talk about that...]

... Are you meaning the memory of vision? [He looks her over, searchingly.] I'm whole. Well and motherfucking feeling. I got about healing you of me before, you recall. Mere did about the same my ownself and was motherfucking new again. Made sure I wouldn't go down too far by the vision so as to make sure I'd know to be repairing later. I even learned recent this all can be of help with more than just me, so that's all the motherfucking better too. Sorry I scared you by it.

[Which is all truths for how he is doing. Just not how he was doing. Past tenses ain't matter though. Even if a twinge of guilt has him forced into saying:]

You needn't worry about me, Terezi.

[codename_snapdragon]

[Even as he assures her that he's well, she hears all the things that he doesn't say. I'm whole, he starts with--and just by saying that, he puts an emphasis on the difference between this and... some time when he wasn't whole. She hears the same again with him and 'feeling', and it doesn't sound like a coincidence. Between that and his description from before--mentioning his old self as being burnt up--she gets the impression that he's trying to hide how bad he really was.

As such, his last comment only has her frowning at him.]

I always worry about you. Even more, when you don't seem to worry enough about yourself. One of us has to.

[carnagecarnival]

[Of course she says that. He should've expected. He turns his eyes down, away from her. He fidgets absently.] I brought it on myself. I still think it worth it. I needed to know this and I needed to know how to motherfucking overcome. But it was my choice. Feels foolish to spill ills up over it. It'll only bother. [He says all this, but he continues. He says like it's his own damn fault, and yet still his voice gets so small and his eyes so distant.] I've never felt fear like that in my life. It was so much more than anything I've ever known. I've been burned but that was hotter. I've drowned but that was so much more what to swallow. It was so much, too much, I could feel myself tearing apart and I still couldn't hold. It spilled on the fuck out from my throat. [His breath is more audible. It doesn't race, not yet, but it ain't far.] Started as the same old dreams. I'd had them before, I just never got far enough, clear enough. Like I was only catching echoes of the moment to come. I watched the world fall to pieces just like foretold. I watched and I would remember the way Mituna's psionics wove up in, all those screams. And then there was dark. A great motherfucking void. There was a light. A bright green motherfucking light what I watched and couldn't move from. And then He was there. The Lord. He opened his maw. And then all that fear came on out and poured the fuck in through me. [His hands shake now, just a little.] It was a scream and it was a direction branded into my soul and it was a hailing of the end channeled through me and it... it was familiar. I was caught between the revelation, the pain and fear of it, and... Meulin. I could hear her pleading to stop. I was not able. She held me and I could hear her cry... calling me. My name. And that's how I stopped. I stopped the memory there. [He blinks then, shaking his head a little. His eyes lose that distance, bringing him to heres and nows. He looks mildly confused as he reaches up with one hand and finds something wet and lightly purple on his face.] Oh. [He presses at his eyes and shakes his head again.] I... It wasn't actually her. I warned everyone to stay clear. I had Ienzo don them protective bits for his hearstalks. It was just the memory of her. That's all.

[codename_snapdragon]

[He sounds so small, and all she wants is to hold him close and protect him from the harm that he speaks of. The story that he tells unsettles her, and he might feel the way her concern shifts--from a worry that he might not take care of himself, to a worry that there's something inherently dangerous about this Lord that he speaks of. Not just that this might be a real person that could hurt her matesprit... but that it's someone her matesprit still looks up to, someone he would obey without hesitation. She's not entirely sure how to feel about that.

But more pressing is the way that he starts to cry without realizing. Her heart breaks for him, and she reaches up to pull his hands away from his eyes. She wipes his tears away for him, taking care not to smudge his paint. Then she pulls him down and plants a kiss to each eye. She takes up his hands again, gripping them tightly.]

What happened back then wasn't your fault. You were attacked, and through you, Meulin was also hurt, but... You were a victim just as much as she was. You realize that, don't you?

[carnagecarnival]

[It made sense when it wasn't him. When it was his other self and not just a part of him. He could say easily that the motherfucker got being some kind of cursed and there was nothing to be done of it. Even when it became a memory to him, he could understand it as a thing what simply was. For some reason, it's a whole other thing to hear it said back at him. Was he attacked? He didn't think it like that. He merely thought it a happenstance of a mortal trying to contain the will of a god. Like squeezing the hand of a lowerblood and being surprised when the bones break. She kisses him. She tends to his face. She is oh so motherfucking gentle with him, even in her words. He leans into her and closes his eyes to savor each little touch.] I... suppose so. I wish it to have gone some other way. [But it didn't and it couldn't have. Even Meulin's deafening would have been important.] I culled no one but I believe I went about some action terrible. Our session had to fail so you could all come to being. By writ of vision, I had to make it so. [They are used to this by now, aren't they? Acts predestined. Necessary evils to lead into a good.] I know it was needed. I understand how the fuck this all is being to work. I know I ought not to question. But I have grown so mother fuckin tired of playing as pawn to another. Even if it is the will of the Lord, as his servant, I... I do see idol in him as you think. But I have removed from him a power over me. I ponder that perhaps this might only be that which I wish to be the right thing to motherfucking do. I wonder if that the right thing is that we, my line, may only be that which we are later designed. That our cruelty is somehow correct. But for all how it is something I'd see the will of the Lord I wonder yet, why would he... erase her holiness from me? Have I not proven loyal enough to him? Am I undeserving of her? I and those around me are safe once more. But I am so motherfucking confused. I struggle not to see this a mother fuckin reckoning due. A punishment for some thing unknown. Perhaps for being so damn drawn.

dated sometime after the event i think idk

[leiche]

Izzy

Izzekiel Peidsoul,

sorry if I spelled that wrong

I don't really know why I'm writing this or sending it to you at all. I'm not expecting you to write back or say anything, since I know you don't want me saying sorry or hearing any more of my whiny bullshit. I'm honestly tired of writing whiny bullshit but it's all I got.

But even though I know you don't want to hear it, I wanted to say it again anyway. I'm sorry. Doesn't matter how bad the thoughts in my head get or what mood I'm in, I shouldn't have lashed out and said what I did when you're just trying to help me.

I'm not going to lie and say I've stopped thinking about it just to try and smooth things over, because I haven't and you probably know that anyway. But I wanted to just let you know that I'm getting more help so that maybe some day I can stop thinking about it. Or less about it. Or however it fucking works I don't know. And maybe some day I can stop thinking I'm the worst piece of shit and maybe I'll be able to feel more positively towards wishing for shit and maybe pigs can fucking fly I don't know [ it trails off for a bit, with several scribbles and erased pencil marks, and a bonus smudged paw print for good measure ]

Anyway. You can ignore this if you want. I can't imagine why you wouldn't. I'm not expecting you to write back. But yeah. I figure since you're one of the first people here to really give a fuck and try to help me and since I still have some of the notes you wrote me, then I should at least let you know that it was worth something and that I'm trying to figure things out.

And I hope you're managing okay doing whatever it is you're doing and hopefully you get to deal with less whiny bullshit from now on.

- Jeremy

[carnagecarnival]

jeremy,

IT AIN'T THE WHINY BULLSHIT SUPPOSED WHAT BOTHERED ME BACK THEN. you get that right? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF ME WITH WHAT I'VE MADE TELL FOR. if i seem as like ain't nothing's getting to phase me. OR MAYBE AS THAT IT ALL BEING IS. say true, there's a lot what i can bear. A WHOLE LOT MADE THE BEARING FOR EVEN IF I WENT FIGHTING IT INITIAL.

but i can't handle this. THIS SORT OF SHIT WHAT'S MAKING LIKE YOU'LL LAY DOWN AND LET YOURSELF TO ENDS. that is never going to be a thing what i can take.

I DON'T GO HALFWAY. back when i was a killer i didn't give a damn. NOW THAT I AIN'T, I DO. i can't turn off that bit of me without turning it all off entire. AND ONE THING WHAT I CAN'T BE DOING MORE THAN ALL ANYTHING ELSE IS LOSING PEOPLE I GIVE CARE ABOUT.

i go so bad, jeremy, do you understand? I SIT ON THIS FUCKING EDGE PRECARIOUS MAKING SURE ALL EVERYONE'S SAFE SO EVERYONE CAN GET BEING SAFE NEAR ME. of course i've lost before but i ain't knowing when is too much and too late until it's already being so. WHEN THE LOSING GETS TO BE SO GREAT THAT I WISH NOT TO FEEL. i get to that point of pushing on away because, well, i have to protect myself somehow. I CAN'T BEAR IT, JEREMY. i just can't.

GOT MY GLADNESS ON YOU'RE FIGURING HOW AND ALL. that you've got some considering done and due. BUT YOU TRIED TO APOLOGIZE AS THOUGH THAT MADE IT OKAY YOU WAS GOING TO FUCK OFF ON ME ANYWAY. you don't understand how deep that goes for me.

I THINK YOU'RE GOOD, JEREMY. you're broken, yes, but you're good. YOU NEED THAT HELP AND DESERVE IT. i'm glad you wrote. BUT I HOPE YOU CAN FATHOM THAT YOU'VE SHAKEN MY TRUST. and so, i'll need some time to gather that on back now. NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE SOME EVIL, BUT BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE I'M BROKEN.

i hope you can extend to me that patience.

-MEDIATOR IZZEKIEL PIEDSOUL♑︎

[leiche]

Izzekiel,

Wasn't expecting you to write back at all. But I'm glad you did.

I'm not expecting you to be in any hurry to want to see me or anything like that. In all honesty I'm not expecting you to want to see me or have anything to do with me at all. What I said to you, it was a lot of really awful and mean spirited shite that I only said just because I wanted to get under your skin and you'd leave me alone. And I regret doing that now. A lot of things I'm regretting right now. Not thinking about how the things I say and do bother other people is one of the things I'm going to work on so this doesn't happen again.

There's no pressure or anything. You can take all the time you want. I just wanted to apologize more than anything else. You've been nothing but kind and don't deserve being treated like that.

Thanks for hearing me out though. I'll keep working on it.

- Jeremy

April 15th - Evening

[jumpthegun]

Mr. Mediator,

I'm sure you're already doing so, but I'd appreciate it if you could check in on Aletheia. I honestly didn't mean to upset her today with my message. I'm not going to stop being a doctor, but I'll see to offering my services more discreetly if it's going to cause this much of a problem for her and some of the others.

I don't know what she's gone through to put her so against just the idea of people like me existing. But I'll leave off interacting with her, as well, if that's going to cause a problem. I hope you can take care of each other.

Regards,
John

Re: April 15th - Evening

[carnagecarnival]

JOHN,

i'm surprised as to see you writing to me, truth be told. BUT IT AIN'T ABOUT ME SO I'LL HOLD TONGUE ON SUCH NOISE.

i know some of what all she's gone through, natural. I KNOW MUCH OF THE WORST WHAT THE MEADOUS HAS GONE THROUGH. but i can't talk about it. AT SOME POINT, I AIN'T SURE WHEN, I JUST GOT DECIDING I WASN'T GOING TO SPILLING ILL BY NOBODY. and as much as all you both may hate to hear, she's a lot like you up in at least one respect. ALETHEIA DOES NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT NOTHING. feeling fears like i do doesn't mean being let in. MOST OF THE TIME I HAVE TO LET THEM ALL AROUND SIMPLY BE AND SHE'S ONE OF THEM.

it wasn't small though. AIN'T NONE OF IT'S HARDLY EVER SMALL BY NOBODY. if i may attempt to illuminate, our meadous had gotten quiet for some time. THE LOT OF US GOT A ROUTINE WHAT GOT COMFORTABLE. you're new, and you're fighting up against almost all of that. NOT EVERYONE'S KNOWING IF AT WE CAN TRUST YOU YET ALL THE WHILE. and then bringing all what things is sore for such motherfuckers up into the mix, shit makes calamitous in a pan. ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE OF US WHAT AIN'T NEVER GOT KNOWING WHAT SAFE UP AND IS BEFORE BEING HERE. we don't want to lose that, even to threats what we build up in our minds.

I CAN'T SPEAK FOR HER. mirth knows i've put my foot in my maw enough times late. BUT I THINK AS LIKE IF SHE THOUGHT YOU OUGHT TO BE DEAD TRULY, SHE'D TAKE CARE OF SUCH NOISE HER OWNSELF EVEN IF IT VILIFIED HER. and she ain't being to do that. (WOULDN'T LET IT HAPPEN ANYWAY. but i don't think she would.)

SHE'S NEVER GOING TO LIKE UPON THE DOCTOR BIT. but she might find you've got more at to you, if such things come align. EVERYONE'S JUST SCARED HERE, JOHN. that's all what we is. IF YOU GIVE A SHIT ON ABOUT ANY OF THAT BUSINESS, I'D ADVISE GIVING HER TIME. maybe eventually even saying half of this to her. AND YEAH, IT MIGHT HELP KEEPING THE DOCTOR BIT TO THE WAYSIDE IF YOU'RE REAL SET. if only because she can be stubborn as raging lusus she can. BUT MIRTH KNOWS I CAN UNDERSTAND NOT TRYING NOR WANTING TO HIDE NO BIT OF YOURSELF.

i'm sorry i didn't come in defensive like i ought to have. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE THE FUCK OUT AS WHERE TO STAND WITH YOU THAT YOU'RE PREFERENTIAL TO. aletheia herself can bind me, in an entirely other way as well, not to mention my own business of docterrorists. BUT IT'S A WEAK EXCUSE AND I KNOW IT.

i'll try and talk to her. CAN'T SAY HOW WELL IT'LL BE BEING TO GO BUT I'LL SEE ABOUT IT. and if you're alright by it, i can pass along that you had no intent for upset and are willing to make covert by her.

- MEDIATOR IZZEKIEL

[jumpthegun]

[John's beginning to wonder if it's a trait of trolls that they like to talk. Excessively at times. It's not that he doesn't appreciate Izzy trying to do some manner of explaining, but he hadn't really meant this to be a discussion, more just a request for help to one of Aletheia's friends. He doesn't actually know who the others might be apart from Izzy.]

Mr. Mediator,

You can tell her that, certainly, and you don't need to apologize. I can and will defend myself, as I need to. I walked away from my discussion with her because I saw it wasn't going to do anything but frustrate the both of us. There are some people who won't be told. They need to see. I can deal with that.

Like you said, I'm new. I'm rocking the boat. And I don't like being here. She has every right not to trust me. I'm not going to push it. But when she starts trying to shout me down when there are people who want and maybe need my professional services, that's when I'm going to get angry. You're free to tell her any of that, as well. I'll respect her desire not to deal with it, if she'll respect my right to practice medicine for those who want it.

As for where we stand, you're her friend. That's why I contacted you. I'm not going to be able to talk to her with a clear head, and I doubt she'll be able to talk to me with one, either. That's all. You don't need to stick up for me. Comfort her, if you can. If she wants to hear anything I've said to you, then you can tell her what I've said. If she doesn't, you don't need to tell her anything. I just can tell from her messages that she needs someone right now. Whether it's someone to listen or someone to talk, it can't be me.

Regards,
John

[carnagecarnival]

[Perhaps not all trolls but certainly a fair few talk too much. Certainly himself.

Most of the time.]

john,

AIGHT. i'll do my motherfucking best. I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF SHE'S WANTING NO MORE.

[There's an irony in that statement of not being told but needing to see. It applies to John himself for fair bit. It's also something what would make Terezi laugh if she were in better spirits. He lets the rest be.]

- mediator izzekiel

[carnagecarnival]

jeremy,

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU GET THOUGHT AS YOU'RE LESSER THAN YOU IS. and i got a problem at with shutting up. IRONIC CONSIDERING I'M THE FORMER MUTE UP IN THESE MEADOUS.

i don't know on about what i'm being to deserve, jeremy. I AIN'T THAT GREAT A MOTHERFUCKING PERSON. but thanks, i guess.

LISTEN. we should chill some time, you and i. SO LONG AS YOU AIN'T INTENDING TO DIE ON ME THAT IS. and if you're wanting to. IF I'M AFRAID OF THIS I HAVE TO FACE IT. and it might be nice to not talk about all them things what get ill by our lot. PERHAPS.

you don't need to avoid me, is what i'm saying at.

- IZZEKIEL ♑︎

[leiche]

Izzekiel,

How do you do it? I mean. How's it even possible, when everyone around you's telling you that you're good and deserving and worthy and bullshit like that when it's the hardest thing for you to believe for yourself, what's it take for that to suddenly work and flip the switch and you can stop hating yourself for a few minutes?

I don't know if you know how to do that. It just seems impossible.

And I'm not really avoiding you or anything. I don't think I am. Maybe I am. I'm more afraid that if I open my mouth in front of you again I'm just going to make things worse.

But I can give it a try, I guess. If you want to.

- Jeremy

[carnagecarnival]

jeremy

TRUTH BE TOLD, JEREMY, IT AIN'T A THING WHAT'S BEING DONE OFTEN BY ALL EVERYONE. a lot of motherfuckers know who i was going to turn into. THEY KNOW WHAT I WAS. what i would've up and been. MAJORITY WAS MEETING HIM. they know what i am. AND SO A GOODNESS PURE AND DESERVING ABSOLUTE ISN'T QUITE SO GIVEN TO ME. i don't get to stop hating who i am because it's all what keeps them safe. SAY TRUE, I'VE FOUGHT SOME UP ABOUT IT, BUT THAT'S BEING TWO OCCASIONS.

first being i was going to do something stupid like let a motherfucker kill me so as they could get vengeance due. MY FRIENDS WAS REAL PISSED OFF AT ME FOR THAT. in them cases, i got to remember i owe it to them. MY LIFE AIN'T ALL BELONG TO ME NO MORE. the second was some noise by matesprit. SHE HAS TROUBLE KNOWING AREA GREY. she brought me all to betterness thinking good was a part of my intrinsic. IT TOOK ALL THIS TIME FOR HER TO SEE THAT WASN'T BEING SO. scared the fuck out of that she couldn't see my ill. I STILL GET AFRAID I'M GOING TO HURT SOMEONE IF AS MY IRE GETS TOO GREAT.

but there are times as they ask me to be seeing how far i've come. THEY REMIND I'VE GOT ALL THIS WAY. and the funny thing is for each time you get breaking down, it's a little further what you got to. AND IT SEEMS MORE AND MORE A WASTE THROWING IT ALL AWAY.

there's also being times i want to throw it all the fuck down on anyways. I KNOW IT AIN'T ACTUALLY EASIER BEING A MONSTER. i know it still hurts. BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE THE IDEA OF IT. i like the thought of not giving a damn. BUT I CAN NEVER GO THROUGH NOW. like what i said, my life ain't mine and i can't make waste.

THE FONDEST I'VE FELT ON MYSELF WAS BACK IN THE CAPITOL. they brought my other self. HE FREAKED ME UP OUT AT FIRST. then when i lost him and he came back, i couldn't let him go. HE WAS THE OTHER HALF OF ME, DON'T YOU KNOW? but here, i got my memory back. HE AIN'T A DIFFERENT MOTHERFUCKER NO MORE, HE'S ME AS MUCH AS ME. was a sort of thing whereas some winning got had and some losing. I DON'T MISS HIM NO MORE AND I CAN LIVE FOR US. but i also can't seperate my ownself from how i feel of me. I CAN SORT OF GET ABOUT IT BY MY DESCENDANT. i see myself in him, the best parts. EVEN WHEN OTHERS AIN'T. he's got complication too.

BUT LIKING MYSELF AIN'T A THING WHAT I WAS EVER GOOD AT. i just make as all to pretend and try not thinking too much of it. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DONE BUT IT'S ALL I KNOW HOW AT TO DO.

then there was back when i had nobody. BACK THEN I JUST GOT ANGRY AT TIME OPPORTUNE ENOUGH TO SAVE MY LIFE. i went on as like to be spiting all them what wanted me dead. I THINK IN MY PROPER TIMELINE I MERE DO THAT UP UNTIL I DIE.

i probably ain't shouldn't be saying all this.

I CAN UNDERSTAND FEAR ON OF SAYING SHIT. if you knew how to sign we could just do that up instead. BUT I GUESS IF WE'S BOTH AFRAID IT CAN'T BE ALL TOO BAD. honk.

- IZZEKIEL