carnagecarnival | We The Lost Mailbox

Izzy Izzekiel Peidsoul, sorry if I spelled that wrong I don't really know why I'm writing this or sending it to you at all. I'm not expecting you to write back or say anything, since I know you don't want me saying sorry or hearing any more of my whiny bullshit. I'm honestly tired of writing whiny bullshit but it's all I got. But even though I know you don't want to hear it, I wanted to say it again anyway. I'm sorry. Doesn't matter how bad the thoughts in my head get or what mood I'm in, I shouldn't have lashed out and said what I did when you're just trying to help me. I'm not going to lie and say I've stopped thinking about it just to try and smooth things over, because I haven't and you probably know that anyway. But I wanted to just let you know that I'm getting more help so that maybe some day I can stop thinking about it. Or less about it. Or however it fucking works I don't know. And maybe some day I can stop thinking I'm the worst piece of shit and maybe I'll be able to feel more positively towards wishing for shit and maybe pigs can fucking fly I don't know [ it trails off for a bit, with several scribbles and erased pencil marks, and a bonus smudged paw print for good measure ]

Anyway. You can ignore this if you want. I can't imagine why you wouldn't. I'm not expecting you to write back. But yeah. I figure since you're one of the first people here to really give a fuck and try to help me and since I still have some of the notes you wrote me, then I should at least let you know that it was worth something and that I'm trying to figure things out. And I hope you're managing okay doing whatever it is you're doing and hopefully you get to deal with less whiny bullshit from now on. - Jeremy

jeremy,

IT AIN'T THE WHINY BULLSHIT SUPPOSED WHAT BOTHERED ME BACK THEN. you get that right? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF ME WITH WHAT I'VE MADE TELL FOR. if i seem as like ain't nothing's getting to phase me. OR MAYBE AS THAT IT ALL BEING IS. say true, there's a lot what i can bear. A WHOLE LOT MADE THE BEARING FOR EVEN IF I WENT FIGHTING IT INITIAL.

but i can't handle this. THIS SORT OF SHIT WHAT'S MAKING LIKE YOU'LL LAY DOWN AND LET YOURSELF TO ENDS. that is never going to be a thing what i can take.

I DON'T GO HALFWAY. back when i was a killer i didn't give a damn. NOW THAT I AIN'T, I DO. i can't turn off that bit of me without turning it all off entire. AND ONE THING WHAT I CAN'T BE DOING MORE THAN ALL ANYTHING ELSE IS LOSING PEOPLE I GIVE CARE ABOUT.

i go so bad, jeremy, do you understand? I SIT ON THIS FUCKING EDGE PRECARIOUS MAKING SURE ALL EVERYONE'S SAFE SO EVERYONE CAN GET BEING SAFE NEAR ME. of course i've lost before but i ain't knowing when is too much and too late until it's already being so. WHEN THE LOSING GETS TO BE SO GREAT THAT I WISH NOT TO FEEL. i get to that point of pushing on away because, well, i have to protect myself somehow. I CAN'T BEAR IT, JEREMY. i just can't.

GOT MY GLADNESS ON YOU'RE FIGURING HOW AND ALL. that you've got some considering done and due. BUT YOU TRIED TO APOLOGIZE AS THOUGH THAT MADE IT OKAY YOU WAS GOING TO FUCK OFF ON ME ANYWAY. you don't understand how deep that goes for me.

I THINK YOU'RE GOOD, JEREMY. you're broken, yes, but you're good. YOU NEED THAT HELP AND DESERVE IT. i'm glad you wrote. BUT I HOPE YOU CAN FATHOM THAT YOU'VE SHAKEN MY TRUST. and so, i'll need some time to gather that on back now. NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE SOME EVIL, BUT BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE I'M BROKEN.

i hope you can extend to me that patience.

-MEDIATOR IZZEKIEL PIEDSOUL♑︎

Izzekiel, Wasn't expecting you to write back at all. But I'm glad you did. I'm not expecting you to be in any hurry to want to see me or anything like that. In all honesty I'm not expecting you to want to see me or have anything to do with me at all. What I said to you, it was a lot of really awful and mean spirited shite that I only said just because I wanted to get under your skin and you'd leave me alone. And I regret doing that now. A lot of things I'm regretting right now. Not thinking about how the things I say and do bother other people is one of the things I'm going to work on so this doesn't happen again. There's no pressure or anything. You can take all the time you want. I just wanted to apologize more than anything else. You've been nothing but kind and don't deserve being treated like that. Thanks for hearing me out though. I'll keep working on it. - Jeremy

jeremy,

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU GET THOUGHT AS YOU'RE LESSER THAN YOU IS. and i got a problem at with shutting up. IRONIC CONSIDERING I'M THE FORMER MUTE UP IN THESE MEADOUS.

i don't know on about what i'm being to deserve, jeremy. I AIN'T THAT GREAT A MOTHERFUCKING PERSON. but thanks, i guess.

LISTEN. we should chill some time, you and i. SO LONG AS YOU AIN'T INTENDING TO DIE ON ME THAT IS. and if you're wanting to. IF I'M AFRAID OF THIS I HAVE TO FACE IT. and it might be nice to not talk about all them things what get ill by our lot. PERHAPS.

you don't need to avoid me, is what i'm saying at.

- IZZEKIEL ♑︎

Izzekiel, How do you do it? I mean. How's it even possible, when everyone around you's telling you that you're good and deserving and worthy and bullshit like that when it's the hardest thing for you to believe for yourself, what's it take for that to suddenly work and flip the switch and you can stop hating yourself for a few minutes? I don't know if you know how to do that. It just seems impossible. And I'm not really avoiding you or anything. I don't think I am. Maybe I am. I'm more afraid that if I open my mouth in front of you again I'm just going to make things worse. But I can give it a try, I guess. If you want to. - Jeremy

jeremy

TRUTH BE TOLD, JEREMY, IT AIN'T A THING WHAT'S BEING DONE OFTEN BY ALL EVERYONE. a lot of motherfuckers know who i was going to turn into. THEY KNOW WHAT I WAS. what i would've up and been. MAJORITY WAS MEETING HIM. they know what i am. AND SO A GOODNESS PURE AND DESERVING ABSOLUTE ISN'T QUITE SO GIVEN TO ME. i don't get to stop hating who i am because it's all what keeps them safe. SAY TRUE, I'VE FOUGHT SOME UP ABOUT IT, BUT THAT'S BEING TWO OCCASIONS.

first being i was going to do something stupid like let a motherfucker kill me so as they could get vengeance due. MY FRIENDS WAS REAL PISSED OFF AT ME FOR THAT. in them cases, i got to remember i owe it to them. MY LIFE AIN'T ALL BELONG TO ME NO MORE. the second was some noise by matesprit. SHE HAS TROUBLE KNOWING AREA GREY. she brought me all to betterness thinking good was a part of my intrinsic. IT TOOK ALL THIS TIME FOR HER TO SEE THAT WASN'T BEING SO. scared the fuck out of that she couldn't see my ill. I STILL GET AFRAID I'M GOING TO HURT SOMEONE IF AS MY IRE GETS TOO GREAT.

but there are times as they ask me to be seeing how far i've come. THEY REMIND I'VE GOT ALL THIS WAY. and the funny thing is for each time you get breaking down, it's a little further what you got to. AND IT SEEMS MORE AND MORE A WASTE THROWING IT ALL AWAY.

there's also being times i want to throw it all the fuck down on anyways. I KNOW IT AIN'T ACTUALLY EASIER BEING A MONSTER. i know it still hurts. BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE THE IDEA OF IT. i like the thought of not giving a damn. BUT I CAN NEVER GO THROUGH NOW. like what i said, my life ain't mine and i can't make waste.

THE FONDEST I'VE FELT ON MYSELF WAS BACK IN THE CAPITOL. they brought my other self. HE FREAKED ME UP OUT AT FIRST. then when i lost him and he came back, i couldn't let him go. HE WAS THE OTHER HALF OF ME, DON'T YOU KNOW? but here, i got my memory back. HE AIN'T A DIFFERENT MOTHERFUCKER NO MORE, HE'S ME AS MUCH AS ME. was a sort of thing whereas some winning got had and some losing. I DON'T MISS HIM NO MORE AND I CAN LIVE FOR US. but i also can't seperate my ownself from how i feel of me. I CAN SORT OF GET ABOUT IT BY MY DESCENDANT. i see myself in him, the best parts. EVEN WHEN OTHERS AIN'T. he's got complication too.

BUT LIKING MYSELF AIN'T A THING WHAT I WAS EVER GOOD AT. i just make as all to pretend and try not thinking too much of it. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DONE BUT IT'S ALL I KNOW HOW AT TO DO.

then there was back when i had nobody. BACK THEN I JUST GOT ANGRY AT TIME OPPORTUNE ENOUGH TO SAVE MY LIFE. i went on as like to be spiting all them what wanted me dead. I THINK IN MY PROPER TIMELINE I MERE DO THAT UP UNTIL I DIE.

i probably ain't shouldn't be saying all this.

I CAN UNDERSTAND FEAR ON OF SAYING SHIT. if you knew how to sign we could just do that up instead. BUT I GUESS IF WE'S BOTH AFRAID IT CAN'T BE ALL TOO BAD. honk.

- IZZEKIEL

[ it's hard to really come up with something to say to all that - even with things that sound all too familiar to him, having an "other self" and not being so separated with them in the end, that's something he's more than familiar with. but things are still tense, he doesn't want to say anything he shouldn't. ]

Izzekiel, If it's not possible, it's not possible. But I guess pretending's a thing that can work. You don't have to say anything you don't want to either. Don't want to make things harder than they already are. Can't sign. But I can bring my journal. Might be easier to write shit down first instead of blurting things out accidentally. If you're up for it, that could work. - Jeremy

jeremy

CAN'T TELL YOU IF IT IS. but yeah, pretending and minding what things is being like to keep one here, it's almost like being to like i figure.

I AIN'T MIND TALKING. it gets quiet up in the meadous sometimes.

BUT A JOURNAL, THAT'S BEING LEGIT. all well and good by that. WHATEVER'S WORKING AT FOR YOU, BROTHER.

- izzekiel

Izzekiel, I can work on that at least. If it works for you, maybe it'll work for me too. I'll stop by sometime. Gather up the nerve. But only if you want to. I know you said you needed your time and space and I don't want to be barging in on you when you don't want to see me. Journal's nothing much. Just helps to write shit down sometimes. Keeping some important things in it for reminders. Just thought I'd mention it if neither of us were up for talking about it. - Jeremy

[ the bottom of the note has a bright blue painted pawprint smudged on it. ]

We The Lost Mailbox

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