carnagecarnival: (heh)
The Initiate Fraysong ♑ (Young GHB) ([personal profile] carnagecarnival) wrote2015-01-06 05:44 pm
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We The Lost Mailbox

 
The Initiate | 1338 Pound Cake Lane
leiche: (234)

dated sometime after the event i think idk

[personal profile] leiche 2017-04-12 04:30 am (UTC)(link)
Izzy

Izzekiel Peidsoul,

sorry if I spelled that wrong

I don't really know why I'm writing this or sending it to you at all. I'm not expecting you to write back or say anything, since I know you don't want me saying sorry or hearing any more of my whiny bullshit. I'm honestly tired of writing whiny bullshit but it's all I got.

But even though I know you don't want to hear it, I wanted to say it again anyway. I'm sorry. Doesn't matter how bad the thoughts in my head get or what mood I'm in, I shouldn't have lashed out and said what I did when you're just trying to help me.

I'm not going to lie and say I've stopped thinking about it just to try and smooth things over, because I haven't and you probably know that anyway. But I wanted to just let you know that I'm getting more help so that maybe some day I can stop thinking about it. Or less about it. Or however it fucking works I don't know. And maybe some day I can stop thinking I'm the worst piece of shit and maybe I'll be able to feel more positively towards wishing for shit and maybe pigs can fucking fly I don't know
[ it trails off for a bit, with several scribbles and erased pencil marks, and a bonus smudged paw print for good measure ]

Anyway. You can ignore this if you want. I can't imagine why you wouldn't. I'm not expecting you to write back. But yeah. I figure since you're one of the first people here to really give a fuck and try to help me and since I still have some of the notes you wrote me, then I should at least let you know that it was worth something and that I'm trying to figure things out.

And I hope you're managing okay doing whatever it is you're doing and hopefully you get to deal with less whiny bullshit from now on.

- Jeremy
leiche: (177)

[personal profile] leiche 2017-04-15 10:44 pm (UTC)(link)
Izzekiel,

Wasn't expecting you to write back at all. But I'm glad you did.

I'm not expecting you to be in any hurry to want to see me or anything like that. In all honesty I'm not expecting you to want to see me or have anything to do with me at all. What I said to you, it was a lot of really awful and mean spirited shite that I only said just because I wanted to get under your skin and you'd leave me alone. And I regret doing that now. A lot of things I'm regretting right now. Not thinking about how the things I say and do bother other people is one of the things I'm going to work on so this doesn't happen again.

There's no pressure or anything. You can take all the time you want. I just wanted to apologize more than anything else. You've been nothing but kind and don't deserve being treated like that.

Thanks for hearing me out though. I'll keep working on it.

- Jeremy
leiche: (055)

[personal profile] leiche 2017-04-16 04:45 am (UTC)(link)
Izzekiel,

How do you do it? I mean. How's it even possible, when everyone around you's telling you that you're good and deserving and worthy and bullshit like that when it's the hardest thing for you to believe for yourself, what's it take for that to suddenly work and flip the switch and you can stop hating yourself for a few minutes?

I don't know if you know how to do that. It just seems impossible.

And I'm not really avoiding you or anything. I don't think I am. Maybe I am. I'm more afraid that if I open my mouth in front of you again I'm just going to make things worse.

But I can give it a try, I guess. If you want to.

- Jeremy
leiche: (007)

[personal profile] leiche 2017-04-16 09:24 am (UTC)(link)
[ it's hard to really come up with something to say to all that - even with things that sound all too familiar to him, having an "other self" and not being so separated with them in the end, that's something he's more than familiar with. but things are still tense, he doesn't want to say anything he shouldn't. ]

Izzekiel,

If it's not possible, it's not possible. But I guess pretending's a thing that can work.

You don't have to say anything you don't want to either. Don't want to make things harder than they already are.

Can't sign. But I can bring my journal. Might be easier to write shit down first instead of blurting things out accidentally. If you're up for it, that could work.

- Jeremy
leiche: (160)

[personal profile] leiche 2017-04-17 09:45 am (UTC)(link)
Izzekiel,

I can work on that at least. If it works for you, maybe it'll work for me too.

I'll stop by sometime. Gather up the nerve. But only if you want to. I know you said you needed your time and space and I don't want to be barging in on you when you don't want to see me.

Journal's nothing much. Just helps to write shit down sometimes. Keeping some important things in it for reminders. Just thought I'd mention it if neither of us were up for talking about it.

- Jeremy


[ the bottom of the note has a bright blue painted pawprint smudged on it. ]