carnagecarnival | We The Lost Mailbox

[ with some teeth marks in the top corner because a certain fox likes to think he's helping out whenever Jeremy's writing letters: ]

Izzy, I meant to send this back when you were first offering. I know it's been a while and you're probably busier or have better things to do than deal with someone else's bullshit, so you don't have to respond if you changed your mind. No hard feelings. But if you're still offering, I guess I'm just wondering if you're available to meet sometime and talk about stuff. If not that's cool, it's no big deal. It's not an emergency or anything. - Jeremy

[The teeth marks are run over with a thumb. Too small for human so it must be his friend. He thinks, sometimes, that humans must have some vague sense of lusii leftover from creation. It's a particular closeness he shares with his goats. But ain't none of that matters here.]

mirth's greetings, brother.

COURSE I'M STILL BEING ALL SORTS THE FUCK DOWN. how much business you think i got up in this bitch? YOU EVEN GOT TO KNOWING HOW QUIET THE MEADOUS GETS AT? i was training up to run a planet before all this shit, motherfucker, whatever it being is, i got this.

THAT, AND I'M ALWAYS UP FOR KICKING IT FRIENDLY AT TO A MOTHERFUCKER. :o)

hope abundant to hearkening a homie. I WAKE IN THEM EVENINGS BUT I'M DOWN ANY MOTHERFUCKING TIME.

-izzy

[ if it helps, at least there's no drool on it. just teeth marks from a nibbly fox. ]

Should I be calling you "your highness" or something, then? Sorry. Always feels like it's a bother or burden in some way, it's hard to shake off. I'm probably going to be annoying just from all the apologizing anyway. For the record, I still don't know exactly what to do. And I don't know how you can help. But everyone says you're the one to go to for these things. Evening's fine. Probably better. Morning's suck. Anyplace you prefer for talking shit out in private?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. sweet mirthful fuck no. YOU AIN'T OWE ME SHIT. i mean, i got fondness upon "your levity" but i can't be wearing that none lest it's preacher to student yo. THAT CROWN IS FAR TOO HEAVY OTHERWISE.

and don't worry on that none either. BEEN LOW AS I'VE BEEN HIGH. i get it. AIN'T GOING TO STOP ME FROM REMINDING UPON IT. chin up motherfucker.

SUPPOSE I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED MOTHERFUCKERS IS SAYING I'M THE ONE TO TALK AT TOO. ain't sure if i ought to be flattered.

WE'S JUST GOING TO TALK UP AT FIRST. gonna find out what the motherfuck you got. GOING TO WORK ON HOW TO HANDLE. only thing you gotta worry up on is trusting me to be having said handling, you got it?

MY HIVE GETS CROWDED, NOSY GOATS. best place for empty and silence, in my experience, is being the shore. YOU UP FOR THAT?

Just checking. Shit memory, sometimes it helps to have dos and don'ts written down. You're not the first person who's told me that, you know. Chin up, cheer up, stop being sad you're bumming everyone out etc. It's not a switch I can flip and suddenly be all butterflies and fucking rainbows. Believe me, that's definitely the part I'm worrying about. You can tell me all you want about how it's fine and nothing will go wrong, I'm more concerned about what if something does. Beach works. Alby's tagging along and I wouldn't want him annoying the goats. I know you said you have a lot of time on your hands, but any day in particular work best for you?

aight that's fair.

AND I AIN'T SAYING THAT. what's that motherfucking thing as gets said, faking it to be bringing it about or some shit? WHATEVER. i ain't asking what things is you're saying is where i'm at. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE. i'm meaning as to be saying fuck anyone what tries on telling you you're being to be less. CHIN IS UP AS TO BE MAKING DETERRENT OF IT YO. not to be letting motherfuckers crush you, not even you're own head, long as at you can.

I AIN'T GOING OVER THEM WHAT IFS. you'll be feeling them so i motherfucking will be too. THEY'S ONLY GOING TO HOLD US BACK FROM EVER UP AND DOING THIS CAUSE YOU WON'T BE BELIEVING MY HAVING FAILSAFE UNTIL I GET ON PROVING.

mirth, i could go right now, i ain't give a fuck. SOONER THE BETTER I FIGURE.

Must mean something different where you come from then. Anytime someone's said it to me, it's because they're pissed I'm being a downer. And yeah, like you said, I should just cheer up and put on a smile and stop pissing people off. I can't help the what ifs, mister. Hell, most of me still doesn't want to do this. I still want to lock my doors and crawl into a corner and hope no one ever tries to find me. And if something does go wrong, that's exactly what I'm going to do. With a note nailed to the door saying "Told you so." I don't know about, like, right now. Gotta steel myself up a bit. Maybe a couple hours or something. I don't know.

~~that ain't~~ ~~YEAH IT DOES MEAN DIFFERENT. it means~~ FUCK IT. what the motherfuck ever. I AIN'T YOUR MOIRAIL.

feel them what ifs. I CAN'T TURN NO FEARS OFF. it ain't how shit do. ONLY WAY TO BEAT THEM IS TO FACE THEM. it don't mean you stop feeling them. IF SHIT GOES WRONG, YOU CAN DO UPON JUST THEM THINGS YOU PREACH. i won't chase after. BUT GIVE ME A CHANCE FIRST BEFORE YOU DO. that's all i'm up and asking.

LISTEN, I KNOW YOU'RE SCARED. i'm the only motherfucker here what could possibly know as like this. I AM PREDISPOSED TO GIVE A SHIT. but also to the knowing that you can move with this fear.

SO MANY MOTHERFUCKERS CAME TO THIS PLACE SO BROKEN. fearing the world. FEARING THEMSELVES. zephyr found you like all of us. I AIN'T THINK THAT WAS A MISTAKE. i think you can do this. I THINK THAT YOU'LL GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO MOTHERFUCKING HELP YOU BECAUSE YOU'VE COME THIS FAR. you reached out to me. JUST NOW WITHIN THESE LETTERBITS YOU GOT REACHING FIRST. you did upon the board all that time ago. THIS FEAR AIN'T BIGGER THAN YOU. it's casting shadow but that's all that's being it.

FEAR DOESN'T REALLY WANT YOU TO DIE. fear only wants to survive without pain. IN MY WORLD, THE LIFTING OF CHIN, THAT SHIT IS SAYING "FIGHT ME, I DARE YOU". it ain't nothing to do with sadness. IT'S REFUSING TO GIVE THE FUCKERS WHAT WOULD HAVE YOU DEAD THE PROPER BENEFIT. it's saying, you've battled things greater. AND YOU HAVE, HAVEN'T YOU? you're here, right now, and you sent the letter first. EVEN THOUGH IT TERRIFIES YOU TO YOUR CORE, YOU GOT DOWN AND YOU MADE WRIT OF THIS SHIT. your fear didn't fade but you lifted chin, you said to it without even knowing, we are going to survive through this. THAT IS HOW FEAR IS EMBRACED.

you're already up ahead of it. I'LL WAIT. if you need more all than that, it's yours. THIS IS YOUR CALL. but i believe you're up at to win, brother. I'D BET MY MOTHERFUCKING LIFE ON IT.

Edited 2016-11-28 07:47 (UTC)

[ ah fuckin' hell. ]

Everyone keeps saying that. Zephyr brings people here for a reason. Zephyr brings people who are lost and broken and need help etc etc. Every time it sounds like it's a mistake I'm here. I'm the last fucking person they should've brought here, everyone else is still there fighting someone else's bullshit war because they have no choice, and they're being tortured and killed over and over while I'm here hiding from birthday parties and movie nights. I'm not just scared of what I can do or figuring out how it works. That's a good part of it. But I'm scared for all of them too. After everything I did, everything I fucked up, and everything they're still fighting and dying for, I'm the one here instead of them? None of that makes sense. And I know you're just trying to help and be all reassuring and encouraging and shit and yeah good for me taking this step or whatever but it's more fucking terrifying the closer I get to making an attempt to not be the walking mental breakdown I am.

brother. HERE'S THE THING ABOUT THAT NOISE. ain't none of us was brought here because we deserve it.

ALL THEM THINGS YOU GOT SAYING? i came from that too. TWICEFOLD MOTHERFUCKER. some shithive what got calling itself the capitol and my own goddamn world. YOU AIN'T THE ONLY NEITHER.

what fucking gets me, brother, is how as like it ain't even all ones as is like me what get about this. THERE ARE GOOD MOTHERFUCKING PEOPLE HERE WHO HAVE SUFFERED ENDLESS. and they all think the same goddamn thing.

"WHY ME? why not them? I HAVE DONE NOTHING WHAT ALL WOULD DEEM ME WORTHY." you list your evils. YOU LIST UP THEIR MOTHERFUCKING GOOD. and you sit there in your hive all' a mother fuckin fret. MAYBE YOU'RE EVEN HANGING ON TO HOPE OF RETURNING TO YOUR TORMENTORS JUST TO SEE THE FACES OF YOUR FELLOWS. there ain't no reason to this wicked business. AIN'T NO RHYME TO SLAM.

it's going to get more terrifying. YOU KNOW WHY? because you're stepping out from what you know. YOU'RE WALKING THE MOTHERFUCKING WIRE NOW BROTHER, THERE AIN'T NO BAR TO GRASP.

your head's high up on chaos ain't it? EVERYTHING IS ALL SPUN ROUND. you can feel the cracks in you. YOU CAN FEEL THE MOTHERFUCKING SHATTERS. held together by something just short of jack and shit. SO NO MATTER HOW TALL YOU STAND YOU STILL FEEL A BREEZE MIGHT BREAK YOU.

it might break a bit. BUT NOT ALL. you might wobble up on them wires but you ain't going to fall. AND WHAT ELSE WAS ALL YOUR ALLIES FIGHTING FOR IF NOT FREEDOM AND LIVING? you can't do wrong by them, if you keep at them things. IF THEY MATTER, THEY WOULD WANT YOU TO LIVE. if they don't want you to live, they don't motherfucking matter, and you should live by spite anyway.

I WOULDN'T BOTHER ON TELLING AT YOU ALL THIS IF I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS NOTHING REAL. everyone keeps saying what they do because we've already motherfucking been there. ALL OF US, BREAKDOWN FOR BREAKDOWN. at least if you feel like you're going crazy you ain't being alone, yeah?

[ there's the mention of the Capitol that catches his attention again - but he shakes his head and rubs his eyes. he's pretty sure it's not the first time someone's mentioned something similar, and it's not like a Capitol city was a rare and unheard of thing. it doesn't mean anything. and he's not about to make that mistake again.

it's later than the others have been that the next letter arrives (Jeremy might've needed a time out to regroup, that last reply hit home like a meteor strike and remembering how to breathe again took priority over writing back--) but at least he sends it. it's shorter, the writing messier, and the teeth marks return in the corner of the note. ]

You might not be the first person who's tried to help me but you're the first person to say it in a way that makes sense, I'll give you that. I'm still trying to work up the nerve to get up and walk out the door. You can let me know if I'm taking too long or you're fed up or whatever, it's cool. Not going to hold it against you. Was it like this for you? Whenever you had to pull through whatever it was you had to deal with. Nobody knows that much about what it's like without going through something similar. Bur you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I get it.

HE MAKES SENSE AT TO SOMEONE. that's something he ain't heard often. HONK. :o)

[He's relieved. Finally, he's made some headway.]

sure. BUT IT AIN'T GOING TO BE HAPPENING. i've waited longer for shit.

[And then for a moment he just stares at the paper. He's always saying, he doesn't lie. If people want the truth they need only ask. Well here this brother is. Asking.]

IT WAS TORTURE. i've been run through, beaten, crushed, stabbed, even mother fuckin killed. NONE OF IT COMPARED TO THE FEAR OF OPENING UP. to the fear of losing it all. I WAS SO MOTHERFUCKING AFRAID, MY BROTHER, I NEARLY CULLED EVERYONE I CARE FOR. i would have, for it is writ in my proper motherfucking future, that it was at to be. ONLY THAT FUTURE GOT CUT UP WHEN I WAS BEING TAKEN. and for some fuckin reason, my allies looked upon my truly fucking evil husk of a self, and they took pity. THE TROLL WHOSE LIFE I RUINED UTTERLY SAVED MY MIND FROM SHATTERING IN AN INSTANT AND BECAME MY MOIRAIL. my dear sister, my matesprit, i hurt her friend, i hurt her, and still she came back to me and i asked her. MOTHER FUCKING. why? WHY THE MOTHERFUCK WOULD SHE COME BACK. she said it was because i'd stayed for her. HADN'T EVEN FUCKIN MEANT TO. hadn't even thought shit of when i told her to chase better. DIDN'T CULL HER IMMEDIATE BECAUSE HER ANCESTOR, MY WOULD HAVE BEEN PARTNER, MADE DEAL WITH ME AS NOT TO.

you think you're so bad, brother? YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON ME.

every step i fought. I TORE AT MY ENEMIES WHOM I NOW CALL MY DEAREST FRIENDS. every instance i could see betrayal, i ran. I SCREAMED AND FOUGHT AND RAN THE FUCK AWAY FAR AS I COULD GET STILL TRAPPED IN THAT WRETCHED CITY. i had to get schoolfed how not to thirst for cull. I HAD TO GET MY LEARN ON WHAT IT UP AND WAS TO GET CLOSE. i hadn't any idea how to trust anymore, after the life i lived, until my matesprit taught at to me.

AND WHEN I LOST THEM FUCKERS I'D FINALLY GOT IN CLOSE TO? when, in all my prior learnings i got it about me that the only safe way was isolation? IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN MY MOTHERFUCKING POWER NOT TO KILL EVERYONE IN THAT TOWER I STAYED. i did not succeed alone. I DRUGGED MYSELF. i begged even my enemies to restrain me. MY ABILITY TO BEAR SUCH LOSS WAS SO FUCKIN NULL MY ONLY SOLUTIONS WAS DESTROYING EVERYTHING.

can't lose nobody if there ain't nobody to lose, ain't that right, brother?

I DIDN'T SEE HOW MUCH I'D BEEN CRUSHING MYSELF. i didn't care.

SEE I'VE BEEN FIGHTING TO LIVE SINCE THE MOMENT I HATCHED. the first i could walk i was seeing trolls die. I WAS YOUNGER THAN HOW ZEPHYR'S LOOKING WHEN I HAD TO CULL MY FIRST TROLL. i was six sweeps when some seadweller dragged me up for the last time and made me wish i could die. I WATCHED MY DA SHOW UP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN NEARLY A SWEEP BEFORE HE TURNED AWAY FROM MY WEAKNESS. i thought my only friend had abandoned me. THE ONLY REASON I DIDN'T DIE THEN WAS BECAUSE I GOT ANGRY. and angry i up and stayed.

WAS THREE THINGS WHAT STOPPED ALL THAT. my family what's being my friends. MY MEMORIES OF MY LIFE BEFORE, WHERE I KNEW PEACE, WHAT I AIN'T WASN'T HAVING UNTIL I CAME HERE. and cause they took the angry out of me when they made me a nothing. THEY TOOK MY TONGUE AND MY WILL AND ALL EVERYTHING WHAT MADE ME TO BE ME. sometimes i still get thinking; WAS A REAL MONSTER, ME, IF SUCH THINGS WAS MAKING ME BETTER. but that took a sort of healing too.

SO I GOT MY SIDE WHAT'S A MONSTER. i got my side what's a slave. UP IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THAT IS SHATTERCRACKS WHERE I FIGURED OUT WHAT BITS OF ME COULD BE ANY GOOD. i remembered the kid i used to be. I LEARNED EVERY SINGLE SHITBIT OF MY FUTURE. and then here i came into remembering the old me.

IT'S AMAZING TO ME HOW LITTLE THEM WHAT'S OUTSIDE MY CIRCLING SEEMED TO FIGURE IT OUT. i started up rebellion into full force in the capitol and ain't hardly none of them motherfuckers knew it used to be occupational of me to grind rebellions into dust. NOT SURE HOW MUCH ALL OF ANY HERE KNOW I WAS A SLAVE.

there were holes in my thinkpan when i came here. SCARS SOUL-DEEP DONE UP BY SWEEPS OF VOODOO AND ROTTING. zephyr healed them, healed my voice so i could speak just like anybody. AND THEN FOR THE NEXT SWEEP GOING ON TWO I'VE BEEN LEARNING WHAT IT IS TO NOT BE FIGHTING A WAR AND HOW TO LET GO OF THEM LOST WITHOUT LOSING MY MIND. and that ain't even half the goddamn story.

I HAVE BROKEN DOWN SO MANY TIMES I AIN'T EVEN GOT COUNT FOR IT. i have wept. I HAVE TORE AT MY OWNSELF. i have been so far out of my own motherfucking nug i could touch the stars if i was feeling anything like i wasn't dying. YOU THINK YOU'RE A WALKING BREAKDOWN? i'm a motherfucking apocalypse and i do mean that literally.

BUT AFTER ALL THIS, THERE'S A MIRACLE HERE. you know what that is?

IT MEANS I GOD DAMNED KNOW THAT IT DOES NOT MATTER WHO THE MOTHERFUCK ANYONE IS OR WHAT IS BEING IN THEIR HEAD.

if they try, if they have the help, they can overcome it.

I AM THE GREATEST SOURCE OF INSANITY IN THIS MEADOW. i am the cruelest motherfucker i have ever been to meet. NOBODY HAS EVEN COME CLOSE. and yet, because some beautiful fools reached out, here i am. SOME EVEN GET TO THINKING I'M WORTH SOMETHING, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? miracles.

THE MEADOUS IS FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH SOULS JUST LIKE YOU. repair being in all different states, and slowly but surely, we are healing.

YOU AIN'T GOING TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO. i've battled bigger beasts than you.

DO YOURSELF A MOTHERFUCKING FAVOR. find a moirail. AT LEAST A MOTHERFUCKER YOU CAN BE SPILLING THE WICKED SHIT TO WHAT'LL BE ABOUT THE HELPING FOR. you think you'll regret it, but you won't. TRUST ME.

[ it's a long letter, but Jeremy's not impatient, he sits and reads and takes his time and absorbs every word on the page. it's true, there's always someone worse off, no matter how bad it gets. while it doesn't invalidate his own problems and what he went through, it just puts things into a different perspective, and other things are easier to hear from someone who knows what to say - nothing like "cheer up, it'll get better," or "just try to stay positive!" or "you should smile more!"

he really hates that one.

everything else though, painful as it is to read and imagine what a life like that must've been like, how much worse everything had been and can be. there's still the same messages in it that he intends to trim out and cover the bathroom mirror with, and he still appreciates the effort that Izzy's going through just to try and drag him out of his shell.

but then there's more similarities. the mention of a rebellion is one. not having a tongue or the ability to speak is another one. so he wonders, and he agonizes over whether or not he should ask it considering how it's only made things since his arrival to the Meadous ... but it ends up in Izzy's inbox regardless. short, and to the point. ]

Were you in Panem?

[Truth told, there's a fear in him the brother won't write back. After all admittance of his cruelty, he's always waiting for that other fucking walkstub to drop down and grind his bones to stardust. He's still waiting to be given exactly what he deserves. Why shouldn't he be turned away now?

But he ain't. There's a letter there for him and he's braced for it, not sure what to expect. Not expecting what it is he receives.

Ain't enough to read to be requiring a double take, but there's enough for him to raise his brows.]

i was. I AM. i never motherfucking left.

[A thousand inquiries after various states of safety spring to mind. He stifles them. They won't help Jeremy. But fuck, all this fucking time and he didn't know...]

MY LAST ARENA I GOT SPLIT IN TWO. i came here and stayed behind. HEARD THE OTHER ME AIN'T BEEN DOING NONE TOO WELL BUT I KNEW AS WHAT I WAS GETTING INTO BY MY PLANS.

mirth, were you a tribute also?

[ well, there it is. confirmation. and Jeremy's right about two things: Izzy is the same person from Panem, and Izzy's not the same person he knew there. he's not sure if he should feel relieved or disappointed, so he settles for somewhere in the middle. at least they both know what Panem can do to a person, whatever side they end up on.

"split in two" is an interesting take on it, though. maybe half of him is still there. ]

Only once. The war started after it was over. Pretty much drafted after that. The rest of it is kind of what I wanted to talk to you in person about.

WELL MOTHERFUCK.

aight. WE GOT SURE AND CERTAIN HANDLE UP ON THIS THEN. much as the capitol got being cruel, they ain't never been able at to surprise me with it. [Panem was always humans playing poor at Alternians to him, right down to using wriggler trials as entertainment. Whatever this is, it won't be nothing he hasn't seen before.]

READY WHENEVER AT YOU IS, BROTHER.

by the by. I'M SURE YOU GOT HEARING ON THIS PLENTY AND ALL. but i'm sorry this all happened to you. AND I'M SORRY WHAT I GOT TRYING FOR DIDN'T HELP A BROTHER OUT SOON ENOUGH.

[ even if it's not Izzy from the same time he knew him - the word "Initiate" comes to mind and he can't for the life of him figure out why - at least it's someone from Panem, someone who knows the despicable things the Capitol was capable of. they might not have had the most memorable conversation when they had met however long ago, but he knew-- ... well, he hoped that Izzy would've recognized him, that day during the murder mystery party.

but fuck it, he's never been worth remembering in the first place, no point in getting worked up over it. ]

I've heard it a lot. More than I ever want to. Doesn't do any good. Might try to make my way over tonight. But honestly, and I know this is going to sound stupid, but writing all this shit out's been exhausting. Soon as I get there though, I'll let you know. If that works for you too.

nah, brother. I GET IT. hearducts haven't got no perceptions of stupid from that. WAIT ON YOUR WORD, I WILL.

[And it's funny that his old title comes to Jeremy's mind, since...]

i figure i ain't wasn't dead by your time, seeing as my girl, terezi, was telling me so. BUT I DIDN'T GO ABOUTS BY IZZY THERE. was just a name i took on when the punch got calling me it and i needed something to hide by. I'M ONE FAMOUS MOTHERFUCKER ON MY WORLD FOR ALL THEM WRONG REASONINGS. took me a while to get my admittance to that but i never shook of izzy. WAS CALLED THE INITIATE IN PANEM. i ain't know if you ever knew me, but, after all this, i'd like to be friends. IF THAT'S BEING CHILL WITH YOU. honk.

[ huh. maybe the guy has mind reading abilities too. ]

Yeah. I knew you. We only spoke once. Wasn't anything important. Fuck if I can even remember half of it. But maybe we should save the whole friend talk thing until after we meet and figure shit out. No point getting ahead of ourselves or anything.

[ ever the optimist. ]

[Well. Yes. In a way. Voodoo fear-empathy went far sometimes.]

HEH. aight. SOME PATIENCE DUE.

hope to hear from you soon, brother. YOU KNOW WHAT TO BE DOING.

I know. I'll give you a heads up when I'm on my way.

[ after a crying session/power nap, of course. ]

We The Lost Mailbox

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