carnagecarnival | We The Lost Mailbox

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We The Lost Mailbox

The Initiate | 1338 Pound Cake Lane

~~IZZ~~ ~~M3D14~~

SUP.

YOU M4Y H4V3 4LR34DY NOT1C3D BUT 1 FOUND G4MZ33 OUT ON TH3 3DG3 OF TOWN. 4T L34ST 1 HOP3 YOU NOT1C3D TH4T. 1F NOT... SURPR1S3? 4NYW4Y. H3 W4S 4CT1NG SK1TT1SH, 4ND WH3N 1 4SK3D H1M WH4T W4S WRONG, H3 TOLD M3 TH4T H3 W4SNT SUPPOS3D TO B3 H3R3. 4ND SP3C1F1C4LLY TH4T H3 W4SNT SUPPOS3D TO B3 N34R YOU. B3C4US3 YOUR... OTH3R T3R3Z1 TOLD H1M SO?

1S TH3R3 SOM3TH1NG GO1NG ON W1TH TH1S? HE SAYS HE 1S FROM TH3 S4M3 PL4C3 4S YOU. 1 D1DNT W4NT TO L34V3 H1M H4NG1NG OUT 1N TH3 SNOW SO... H3 1S ST4Y1NG 4T MY PL4C3 FOR 4 B1T. 1 W4SNT SUR3 WH4T TO DO W1TH H1M P4ST TH4T. PL34S3 4DV1S3.

-4L3TH314

ALETHEIA

yeah, i up and got a notice on. KID RAN ON OFF BEFORE I COULD EVEN GET ON OUT THE DOOR. ~~i wanted to~~ ~~HE AIN'T~~

it's real complicated. I'M GLAD YOU TOOK HIM IN. thank you. FROM THE BOTTOM OF THIS BLACK DAMN PUSHER OF MINE, I OWE YOU ONE.

my girl was never about gamzee. OR SHE WAS, UP AT ONE POINT, BUT SOME SHIT WENT ON DOWN IN THAT GAME. i figure you know it. SHE WAS FEELING REAL BETRAYED SHE UP AND WAS. for as long as she's been kicking it at near to me, she hasn't stood nothing with him for a moment. COULDN'T EVEN BE DEALING WITH MY FAITH UP FOR LONGEST TIME. it ain't all make sense to me seeing as she acts like i ain't worse than, but i assume it being cause shit was personal for her. I COULDN'T BLAME SEEING AS I GOT MY AVOIDANCE ON TO DAMN NEAR EVERYBODY BACK THEN.

they brought the kid to the capitol. HIM, AN ALTERNATE MINE WHAT'S ME NOW. my lusus. WAS ONE OF THEM THREATS VEILED, DON'T YOU KNOW. they took him, all of them. I ~~MEANT TO BUT~~ COULDN'T SAVE THEM. i didn't even get the vengeance like i'd tried for. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO BE HANDLING HIM BACK THEN AND THEN HE WAS GONE.

i've always regretted that.

BUT, YOU SEE, HE GOT SHOWING UP SOME TIME BACK UP WHEN THE WALLS WENT ON DOWN. they ran on into each other, my girl and he. SHE'S REAL SCARED OF HIM, TEREZI, SHE'S SCARED OF BEING FOOLED AND ALL THINGS COMING THE FUCK APART. we've fought for each other a long time, me and she. GONE ALL SO LONG JUST HANGING ON LEST WE FALL APART. she didn't want to lose me, i guess. SO SHE SENT HIM OFF. and i figure, knowing gamzee, he just did as told. NOW HE'S SCARED OF ME TOO, DOESN'T WANT TO GET MY GIRL ALL MAD AT HIM, DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE HER AS THOUGHT SHE AIN'T ALREADY LOST. i got my anger on about it when i found the fuck out but she needed help more than all she needed my losing chill.

I WANT TO TALK TO HIM. i intend to. I'M JUST WAITING ON MY GIRL, YEAH? i need to be letting her know what's the haps and make sure shit's chill between us. SHE'S STILL GOT ON IRE UP OVER WHAT I WAS DOING LAST MONTH.

i wasn't sure what to do about gamzee up in times mean. I FIGURE BEST NOT TO BE SETTING HIM OFF. i've been keeping reach of voodoo out now and again but i only know fear and that ain't tell me all.

I'M SORRY YOU GOT UP INTO MY MESS.

he's skittish because all that noise as what's with us three and what got happening to him in the capitol. I DON'T THINK I OUGHT TO BE SAYING THE LATTER BIT WITHOUT HIS KNOWING FOR IT. but i ain't think he'll lash out. IF AT HE DOES, I'LL BE THERE IN AN INSTANT, AIGHT? but i'm pretty sure he's safe what to be around. THANKS UP AGAIN, SEEING TO HIM OUT OF THE COLD.

i'll be working at what's all the rest of this shit.

-IZZEKIEL

Edited 2017-03-18 05:54 (UTC)

1ZZY

TH4TS... COMPL1C4T3D, Y34H. 1 DONT TH1NK 4NYTH1NG 1NVOLV1NG G4MZ33 1S 3V3R NOT COMPL1C4T3D. 1 C4NT S4Y TH4T 1 R34LLY UND3RST4ND TH3 FULL SCOP3 OF WH4TS GO1NG ON BUT YOU DONT N33D TO WORRY 4BOUT M3. 1 KNOW TH4T H3 1SNT GO1NG TO HURT M3. TH3 THOUGHT D1DNT 3V3N CROSS MY M1ND.

1 D1DNT KNOW 1F 1 SHOULD TRY TO CONV1NC3 H1M TO FORG3T THOS3 ORD3RS. 1 F1GUR3D YOU WOULD W4NT TO S33 H1M. OR 1 GU3SS 1 HOP3D YOU WOULD. BUT 1F YOUR3 NOT R34DY TO T4CKL3 TH4T Y3T TH3N 1 WONT PR3SS 1T.

1TS K1ND4 N1C3 H4V1NG H1M OV3R 3V3N 1F TH3 C1RCUMST4NC3S 4R3 STR41N3D. WH3N W3 W3R3 L1TTL3 1 US3D TO 1NV1T3 H1M OV3R FOR HOL1D4YS. 4LL OF OUR FR13NDS H4D TH31R LUS11 TO ST4Y W1TH 3XC3PT US. H3 N3V3R TOOK M3 UP ON TH4T THOUGH. 1 TH1NK H3 JUST D1DNT W4NT TO L34V3 TH4T B34CH. BUT 1 K33P TH1NK1NG 1F H3 H4D 1T M1GHT H4V3 B33N SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH1S.

~~W3LL 1 GU3SS TH4T W4SNT 4CTU4LLY W1TH M3 BUT 1T F33LS L1K3~~

ANYW4Y. YOU DONT H4V3 TO WORRY. 1 4M M4K1NG SUR3 TH4T H3 34TS 4ND SL33PS 4ND ST4YS OUT OF TH3 COLD. 4SHM4K3R TOOK TO H1M R34LLY F4ST. PROB4BLY B3C4US3 H3 K33PS F33D1NG H1M PL4ST1C SCR4PS JUST TO W4TCH H1M 34T TH3M. 1 4M ST4RT1NG TO WOND3R 1F PL4ST1C DR4GONS C4N G3T F4T. TH3Y C4N C3RT41NLY B3 BR1B3D.

L3T M3 KNOW WH3N TH3 S1TU4T1ON CL34RS UP. 1 W1LL F1ND OUT WH4T 1 C4N DO TO G3T H1M TO STOP 4VO1D1NG YOU.

-4L3TH314

[He sees the nickname come on back. It eases already.]

aletheia,

I THINK THE MUCH OF THE KID. but i think even i have become a little weary now for others after all the times i've been told i ought to be. SO I'LL GET ON SAYING YOU KNOW WHERE AT TO GO IF YOU NEED.

i want to see him. SO MOTHERFUCKING BADLY. you got no idea, sister. BUT I GOTTA BE DOING THIS THE RIGHT WAY. if my matesprit ain't trust me she won't trust me with the kid.

I'D BET HE WANTED TO SEE YOU. i'd bet he wanted so bad. ~~THAT DAMN GOAT~~

i was like that too, for a long time. I WOULDN'T LEAVE THE SHORE, ONLY IF I HAD TO AS BY SOMETHING WHAT WAS REAL IMPORTANT. i fought what felt like every goddamn night on them motherfucking shores. ADULTS BACK THEN, DON'T YOU KNOW. lot more trolls around what to get their strife on at me. BUT I WANTED BELIEVING IN THAT FUCKING CAPRICORN. i didn't stop up until my one other person had to take leave of me. DIDN'T STOP UNTIL I REALIZED THE BEAST WASN'T COMING BACK. that was a real bad day that up and was.

HE'S A LOT LIKE ME. he's kinder than i was, maybe even on beforus, but i still see shades. SCARES THE FUCK OUT OF ME, ALETHEIA. he shouldn't have had to become like me. I'LL GIVE ANYTHING TO KEEP HIM TURNING LIKE I DID. it's no better for us than it is all around. SOMEHOW, I'M GOING TO FIND OUT WHAT GOT HAPPENING TO HIM UP IN HIS FUTURE AND I'M GOING TO STAMP IT THE FUCK DOWN BEFORE IT EVEN UP AND STARTS, SWEAR BY IT. my girl thinks it's something intrinsic with him but i know. I KNOW IT'S A BREAKING SOMEHOW LIKE WHAT BECAME OF ME.

don't let him see this. HE FEARS ENOUGH.

i don't know what happened to him exact. I DON'T KNOW WHY HE WENT ALL AS HE DID. i can fix it if it's vision. I CAN TALK AT TO HIM IF IT WAS THE SORT TWISTED UP ANGER AND FEAR I GOT TO KNOW. but i don't know and i think maybe that's being a thing what my girl can't stand neither. I JUST KNOW HE GOT TO HURTING AND HURTING PEOPLE. do you know? DID HE TELL YOU, THE GAMZEE WHAT GOT TO KNOWING AND PLEADING OF YOU? if i could just figure it out maybe ain't none of this would be a problem up at all.

YOU KNOW WE GOT TALKING ABOUT THIS ONCE, AY? me and my girl, we both got finding ourselves orphans essential. MY PRIDE WAS BIGGER THAN ME, I DIDN'T WANT HER THINKING LIKE IT GOT TO ME. but mirth, just having someone else what could understand meant so damn much.

I THINK IT WOULD MEAN A MOTHERFUCKING LOT AT TO GAMZEE. and i don't think he'd up and get care as like it's just a memory to you anymore than it's being to do to me, by the by. FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, MEMORY IS ALL WHAT MATTERS.

i guess all this shit is to say as like, i'm going to worry. WORRY IS WHAT I UP AND DO, IT JUST DON'T SOUND AS COOL AS WHAT ALL FEAR DOES. honk.

BUT I'M GLAD TO GET ON HEARING WHAT THINGS YOU'RE TELLING ME. it sounds as you're both having a time what's being good. GLADNESS RIGHT ON PROPER FOR IT. you mind him with that beast, yeah? I GOT MY LEARN ON THE KID'S GOT A HABIT FOR TAKING IN LOST THINGS, DANGEROUS OR OTHERWISE. and the kid loves to dote. IF THE BEAST CAN GET FAT YOU'RE GOING TO KNOW REAL SOON, I ASSURE.

sorry, this letter's being all over. I HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO TALK TO NOBODY LIKE THIS ABOUT HIM. nobody knows about gamzee and descendants and ain't also getting ire on to him. HE'S BEEN FILLING UP THIS PAN OF MINE FOR AN AGE. i'll make all this up at to you, somehow. PROMISE.

-izzekiel ♑︎

1ZZY

YOU DONT H4V3 TO M4K3 4NYTH1NG UP TO M3. G4MZ33 1S MY FR13ND. 1M GL4D TH3R3 1S SOM3ON3 3LS3 H3R3 WHO C4R3S 4BOUT H1M.

1 KNOW WH4T H4PP3N3D TO H1M. OR 4T L34ST 1 KNOW TH3 3V3NTS TH4T TOOK PL4C3. W3 W3R3 4LL 4 JUMBL3 OF T1M3L1N3S, 4 JUMBL3 OF M3MOR13S. N3P3T4 W4S TH3 F1RST ON3 TO F1ND OUT. TH3 R3ST OF US H34RD 1T FROM H3R B3FOR3 W3 3V3R R3M3MB3R3D 1T OURS3LV3S. 1 TH1NK OUT OF 4LL OF US, G4MZ33 W4S TH3 ON3 SH4K3N TH3 MOST BY 1T. 1 TH1NK TH4T 1 M3NT1ON3D H3 C4M3 TO M3 4ND B4S1C4LLY B3GG3D FOR H3LP. H3 THOUGHT TH4T 1F 4NYON3 COULD F1ND 4 W4Y TO K33P H1M FROM HURT1NG OUR FR13NDS, 1T WOULD B3 M3. 4ND 1F NOT, 1 COULD B3 TH3 ON3 TO T4K3 H1M DOWN 1NST34D. H3 W4S SO SC4R3D. 1 H4D TO PROM1S3 TH4T 1 WOULD H3LP H1M.

HIS M3MOR13S C4M3 4FT3R. H3 W4S GON3 FOR 4 LONG WH1L3. MONTHS 3V3N. 4ND TH3N ON3 D4Y H3 JUST SHOW3D UP 4G41N W1TH N3P3T4S CL4W M4RKS ON H1S F4C3 4ND BLOOD ST1LL ST41N1NG H1S CLOTH3S. ~~TH3Y L1K3D TO 4DD TOUCH3S L1K3 TH4T... 1M ST1LL NOT SUR3 HOW OR WHY. M4YB3 TH3Y JUST L1K3D PL4Y1NG TH3 LONG G4M3, M4K1NG US TH1NK W3 W3R3 R34L.~~ H3 WOULDNT COM3 OUT OF H1S ROOM. 1 H4D TO GO TO H1M. 1M NOT SUR3 TH4T 4NYON3 3LS3 D1D. 3XC3PT K4RK4T M4YB3.

1 W3NT TO T4LK TO H1M. TR13D TO K33P TH1NGS NORM4L. H3 D1DNT DO 4NYTH1NG TO M3 BUT TH3R3 W4S ST1LL SOM3TH1NG OFF 4BOUT H1M. H3 TOLD N3P3T4 TH4T H3 W4NT3D H3R TO V1S1T. WH1CH M34NT TH4T SH3 SHOULD ST4Y F4R 4W4Y. H3 T3RROR1Z3D VR1SK4 BUT H3 D1DNT 4TT4CK H3R OUTR1GHT. JUST SC4R3D TH3 H3LL OUT OF H3R. 4ND WH3N 1 T4LK3D TO H1M MYS3LF H3 S33M3D... NOT 4LL TH3R3. H1S 4TT3NT1ON WOULD W4V3R. 1 WOULD C4TCH H1M ST4R1NG 4T TH3 BLOOD ON HIS H4NDS OR 4T M3 W1TH TH1S UNS3TTL1NG SM1L3... 4ND TH3N H3 WOULD ST4RTL3 H1MS3LF OUT OF 1T. PUT SOM3 D1ST4NC3 B3TW33N US.

1 GOT TH3 1MPR3SS1ON TH4T H3 W4S 4FR41D OF H1MS3LF. BUT WH3N 1 TOLD H1M TH4T MY PROM1S3 ST1LL H3LD, TH4T 1 W4S GO1NG TO H3LP H1M F1GHT TH1S... H3 TOLD M3 TH1S W4S H1M. H3 W4S TH3 M3SS14HS 4ND TH3R3 W4S NOTH1NG TO F1GHT. 1T W4S 4LL JUST H1M, TH3 B4D 4ND TH3 GOOD.

1 D1DNT KNOW WH4T TO DO W1TH H1M 4FT3R TH4T. H3 D1DNT W4NT MY H3LP, BUT 1 TR13D TO K33P OUR FR13NDSH1P TOG3TH3R. TH4T PL4C3 D1DNT M4K3 1T 34SY. 4FT3R 4 WH1L3 1 TH1NK H3 ONLY F3LT R3S3NTM3NT TOW4RDS M3. H3 TOL3R4T3D MY PR3S3NC3 B3C4US3 K4RK4T C4R3D 4BOUT M3, 4ND K4RK4T W4S TH3 ONLY ON3 WHO COULD K33P H1M FOCUS3D. H3 D1DNT S33M TO C4R3 ON3 W4Y OR 4NOTH3R 4BOUT 4NYON3 OR 4NYTH1NG 3LS3.

3V3NTU4LLY 1 GOT MY M3MOR13S OF TH4T 1NC1D3NT. 1 W4S TH3 L4ST ON3. 4T TH3 T1M3 1 R3M3MB3R B31NG 4NGRY 4ND CONFUS3D. 1 F3LT B3TR4Y3D. BUT 1N TH3 F4C1L1TY 1T 4LL H4PP3N3D 1N TH3 BL1NK OF 4N 3Y3. 4ND 1T D1DNT R34LLY M4TT3R TO M3 BY TH4T PO1NT. 1 H4D 4LR34DY D34LT W1TH TH3 F4LLOUT ON BOTH S1D3S. H4V1NG TH3 4CTU4L M3MOR13S W4S JUST 4 FOOTNOT3 ON TH3 WHOL3 TH1NG.

1 DONT KNOW 1F 4NY OF TH4T 1S H3LPFUL TO YOU. 1 JUST KNOW TH4T 1 DONT W4NT TH1S G4MZ33 TO 3ND UP L1K3 TH4T. 1F TH3R3 1S 4NYTH1NG 4T 4LL TH4T 1 C4N DO TO H3LP H1M...OR 1F 1 C4N H3LP YOU H3LP H1M...PL34S3 T3LL M3. 1 4M ST1LL D3T3RM1N3D TO K33P TH4T PROM1S3 1F 1 C4N.

-4L3TH314

[His mood has been poor. When the anger settles down and cools all he's left with is the guilt and the lonely and the wanting. He wants Gamzee. He wants Terezi. He wants to just fade into the walls every now and again, but not too much it worries him.

He keeps busy. He feels the approach when the letter is left in his box but the brief moment of bristling before he realizes who it is keeps him inside. Only a moment more and he remembers what they were talking about and he's prompted to checking it.

Never in his life has he gotten a note to gut him so bad. There's an honest moment where it feels like physical injury. There's a time far longer in which his memories of the vision flare up like a static and make him forget where and when the fuck he's at. When that ends the sorrow takes over. It brings him to bend, to collapse into that chair, to bring a hand up to his face as he's racked with it all.

And then, then at last, he can finally write.]

ALETHEIA

could say the same to you, sister.

WHAT ALL YOU'VE GIVEN IS FAR MORE THAN YOU KNOW. it's more than ever has been gained of anybody for the knowing of this.

HE WAS WRONG. not entirely, but on some bits of it he was being. HE'S NOT THE MESSIAHS. he ain't even one of them.

BUT HE IS... INTEGRAL. he's part in such ways that i am part, more perhaps. IT'S UP IN OUR BLOOD.

the vision i had, the one i went on reliving. THAT'S BEING RELATED AT TO THIS. there are two messiahs, you see. WE AIN'T LOOK AT IT LIKE GOOD AND BAD, THE WORLD REAL AIN'T SET LIKE THAT. but we do understand it as a creative force and destructive, two parts needed as for a whole. GOTTA BE ENDS TO HAVE BEGINNINGS. they're both important, you got to understand.

BUT DESTRUCTION IS DESTRUCTION. my vision, it was him. JUST HIM, NOT THE OTHER. truth told, i don't even know if he meant to entire but it ain't matter. I WAS A TROLL. even i can only take so much, certainly not the power of a mother fuckin god. HE GAVE ME MISSION UPON BEFORUS. instructed me clear as what could be done. AND IT DESTROYED ME. i was alive and existent even in soul, but i was gone and i didn't come back until this new life mine. THIS IS WHY I NEEDED SO BAD TO FIND MEANS TO HEAL IT, JUST IN CASE. that vision burnt me up. I COULDN'T CARE ON NO ONE IF I TRIED, EVEN WHEN I GOT TO FOOLING MYSELF, JUST WASN'T ANYTHING LEFT OF ME LIKE THAT.

in the vision, he gave impression of gamzee. I KNOW HE WAS MEANT AS ALL TO BE IMPORTANT. i know he had to exist for all the both of the messiahs to do so. I HAD TO END OUR SESSION. i... had to do a lot of things what was terrible, aletheia. ALL THAT DIRECTION GOT BRANDED TO MY SOUL, IT DID.

my point being, i think gamzee got spoken to. I THINK, EVEN IF NOT LIKE WHAT WAS ABOUT ME EXACT, NOT ENOUGH TO DESTROY HIM ENTIRE, THE LORD FOUND HIM. all what distances got done about, disconnection. IT'S ALL FITTING. and with you and-

FUCK, SISTER, I DIDN'T EVEN PUT IT ON TOGETHER, YOU KNOW I GOT AVOIDANCE ON MY OWN ANCESTOR AFTER MY VISION IN THAT LIFE? he could feel it. AND I COULDN'T BE LETTING NO ONE INTERVENE. fuck. FUCK. you're a seer of mind. YOU'VE GOT ASPECT ALL UP OF THE MIND ~~AND THAT WOULD~~. you would've got up in the way. GODDAMN IDIOT I AM, I DIDN'T EVEN CONSIDER AS ALL THIS. karkat, he'd be next to go, that would get him alone. [There's more scratches here, rambles taken the fuck out permanent.]

GAMZEE'S NOT THE MESSIAHS. but he is a vessel. KID PROBABLY GOT THE LORD UP IN HIS NUG AND ANY FIGHT AGAINST HE WOULD FIGURE LIKE THE WILL OF THE LADY IF HE WAS GETTING THOUGHT HE WAS BEING THEM. but he's not got a will so strong for that, nobody does.

DON'T TELL TEREZI THIS, PLEASE. let me find a way. I GOTTA RECONCILE MY OWNSELF UP IN THIS I CAN'T FIGHT UP WITH HER ON THE MESSIAHS AND GAMZEE BOTH.

the good thing is being that i can fix all that. AND ALSO THAT AIN'T HAPPENED TO HIM NONE AT ALL YET. the day it does, i will know and i can fix it. IF IT EVER DOES.

thank you, aletheia. MY DEEPEST GRATTITUDE ETERNAL. i

WE, ALL OF US WHAT EVER BEEN, ARE INDEBTED. if you hadn't tried as all for him and found this on out, might've never known. MIRTH, IF IT HADN'T BEEN YOU GOT TO KNOWING BEFORE YOU LIVED IT

you've helped today, aletheia. I THINK YOUR PROMISE GOT BEING FULFILLED JUST NOW.

i gotta tell her. I'VE GOT TO TELL TEREZI. thank you, sister.

-IZZEKIEL

Edited 2017-03-18 21:49 (UTC)

1ZZY

DONT WORRY. 1 DONT H4V3 4NY 1NT3NT1ON OF T4LK1NG TO H3R. 1TS... ST1LL K1ND4 W31RD. 1M NOT R34LLY K33N ON M33T1NG MY DOUBL3 F4C3 TO F4C3.

1M GL4D TH4T 1 COULD H3LP YOU F1GUR3 1T OUT, THOUGH. 1 DONT KNOW 1F 1 UND3RST4ND 3V3RYTH1NG YOU JUST S41D, BUT... 1T SOUNDS L1K3 YOU H4V3 1T WORK3D OUT. 4ND 4S LONG 4S 1T K33PS G4MZ33 FROM GO1NG DOWN TH4T RO4D 4G41N, 1 4M G4M3.

4 WORD OF C4UT1ON 4BOUT YOUR T3R3Z1, THOUGH... SOM3TH1NG YOU S41D B3FOR3 C4UGHT MY 4TT3NT1ON. 4BOUT H3R TH1NK1NG TH4T WH4T H4PP3N3D W4S SOM3TH1NG 1NTR1NS1C OF G4MZ33? TH4TS PROB4BLY MOR3 TRU3 TH4N YOU R34L1Z3. WH3N 1 W4S YOUNG3R, 1 H4D 4 V3RY...P4RT1CUL4R 1D34 FOR HOW TH1NGS WORK3D. M4YB3 1T W4S 4LL TH3 L3G4L T3XTS TH4T 1 R34D OR M4YB3 1T W4S JUST M3 B31NG M3... BUT 1 F3LT L1K3 TH3 WHOL3 WORLD COULD BO1L DOWN TO TWO K1NDS OF P3OPL3. GOOD 4ND B4D. GOOD P3OPL3 D1D GOOD TH1NGS 4ND D3S3RV3D GOOD OUTCOM3S. B4D P3OPL3 D1D B4D TH1NGS 4ND D3S3RV3D B4D OUTCOM3S. 4ND 1T W4S MY JOB TO F4C1L1T4T3 THOS3 OUTCOM3S.

4S 4 GOOD P3RSON, 1 H4D TO D3F3ND TH3 1NNOC3NT. 1 H4D TO SURROUND MYS3LF W1TH TH3M 4ND CH4MP1ON TH31R TROUBL3S. 1 H4D TO PROT3CT TH3M. 4S 4 GOOD P3RSON, 1 H4D TO OPPOS3 B4D P3OPL3. 1 H4D TO 3NSUR3 TH4T TH3Y UND3RSTOOD WHY TH3Y W3R3 WRONG, BUT 1 COULD N3V3R 4FFORD TH3M SYMP4THY OR COMP4SS1ON. 1F B4D TH1NGS H4PP3N3D TO TH3M, 1T W4S ONLY B3C4US3 TH3Y D3S3RV3D TH3M. TH3Y W3R3 1RR3D33M4BL3, AND 1 H4D TO K33P TH3M 4S F4R FROM M3 4S POSS1BL3. L1K3 TRY1NG TO QU4R3NT1N3 4 D1S34S3.

1 B3L13V3D 1N THOS3 TRUTHS SO STRONGLY TH4T 1 WOULD DO 4NYTH1NG TO PR3V3NT TH3M FROM B31NG WRONG. WH3N TH3 L1N3S ST4RT3D TO BLUR, 1 WOULD M4K3 UP LOOPHOL3S. N3W TRUTHS TO F1LL 1N TH3 G4PS. 1F SOM3ON3 TH4T 1 THOUGHT W4S GOOD D1D SOM3TH1NG WRONG, 1 WOULD R3STRUCTUR3 TH3 P3RSON OR TH3 CR1M3 TO F1T TH4T P4TT3RN. M4YB3 TH3Y H4D 4 GOOD R34SON FOR DO1NG 1T. M4YB3 TH3Y D1DNT M34N FOR 1T TO H4PP3N, BUT SOM3TH1NG W3NT WRONG. M4YB3 TH3Y W3R3 B4D 4LL 4LONG 4ND 1 W4S ONLY NOW R34L1Z1NG 1T.

1F SOM3ON3 TH4T W4S B4D D1D SOM3TH1NG K1ND OR GOOD, 1T W4S OBV1OUSLY 4 TR1CK. 1T W4S M34NT TO TR1P M3 UP, TO PL4Y TO MY SYMP4TH13S. TH4T M4D3 1T 34S13R TO D1SM1SS 4S NOTH1NG. TH3 ON3 D3F1N1NG T3N3T W4S TH4T B4D P3OPL3 W3R3 C4P4BL3 OF PR3T3ND1NG TO B3 GOOD, BUT GOOD P3OPL3 D1D NOT PR3T3ND TO B3 B4D. ONC3 YOU W3R3 D3CL4R3D GU1LTY, TH4T W4S 1T. G4M3 OV3R. TH3R3 W4S NO GO1NG B4CK.

1 D1DNT B3L13V3 1N S3COND CH4NC3S, 4ND 1 WOULD DO 4NYTH1NG TO PROV3 TH4T TH3Y SHOULDNT B3 G1V3N. 1 3V3N S4BOT4G3D MY OWN S1ST3R, 4LL FOR TH3 S4K3 OF K33P1NG TH1S 1D34L.

1 BR1NG TH1S UP B3C4US3 WH4T YOUV3 S41D OF H3R 4ND G4MZ33 SOUNDS 4 LOT L1K3 TH4T. 4ND 1 C4N 1M4G1N3 HOW THOS3 3V3NTS COULD H4V3 PUSH3D M3 TO L4B3L H1M 4S B4D, 1F 1 H4D ONLY KNOWN 4 L1TTL3 L3SS 4BOUT WH4T H4PP3N3D. 1F 1 H4DNT KNOWN TH4T H3 W4NT3D MY H3LP, TH4T H3 D1DNT W4NT TH4T TO H4PP3N. 1F N3P3T4 H4DNT B33N TH3R3 TO FORG1V3 H1M, 4LLOW1NG M3 TO L4Y DOWN TH3 OBL1G4T1ON OF SHUNN1NG H1M FOR H3R S4K3. TH4T 4LON3 H3LP3D 4 LOT. W4NT1NG TO H3LP H1M D1DNT F33L SO MUCH L1K3 B3TR4Y1NG H3R TRUST.

1F YOU 4R3 TRY1NG TO CL34R G4MZ33S N4M3, YOU SHOULD B3 4W4R3 OF WH4T YOUR3 UP 4G41NST. 1 DOUBT SH3 3V3N R34L1Z3S TH4T SH3S DO1NG 1T. 1 SUR3 D1DNT, NOT UNT1L 4LL OF MY LOOPHOL3S F1N4LLY SN4PP3D UND3R TH3 W31GHT TH4T TH3Y W3R3 TRY1NG TO B34R. NOT UNT1L 1 FOUND MYS3LF TH3 SUBJ3CT OF THOS3 S4M3 CL4US3S, PO1S3D TO H4NG 4 GU1LTY V3RD1CT OV3R MYS3LF. TH4T W4S 4 D1FF1CULT THOUGHT TO STOM4CH, TH4T 1 COULDNT 3V3N P4SS MY OWN L1TMUS T3ST FOR "GOOD". 3V3RYTH1NG SORT OF JUST...CRUMBL3D 4FT3R TH4T. 1 D1DNT F33L TH4T 1 H4D TH3 R1GHT TO JUDG3 4NYON3 4T 4LL.

1 3V3NTU4LLY G4TH3R3D TH3 P13C3S TOG3TH3R 4G41N, 4ND 1 ST1LL F1ND MYS3LF TRY1NG TO SORT OTH3RS BY TH31R 4CT1ONS. 1TS 4 D1FF1CULT H4B1T TO BR34K, BUT 4T L34ST 3V3RYTH1NG 1S 4 L1TTL3 MOR3 GR3Y TH4N 1T W4S B3FOR3. 1 WOULD B3 H4RD PR3SS3D TO PO1NT OUT SOM3ON3 TH4TS COMPL3T3LY GOOD OR B4D NOW. M4YB3 TH4TS FOR TH3 B3ST. 1 DONT H4V3 TO DO QU1T3 4S M4NY M3NT4L GYMN4ST1CS 1N ORD3R TO JUST1FY MY F33L1NGS 4NYMOR3.

TH3 PO1NT 1S TH4T, 1F 4LL OF TH1S HOLDS TRU3 FOR H3R L1K3 1T D1D FOR M3, YOU M4Y NOT B3 4BL3 TO CONV1NC3 H3R TH4T G4MZ33 1S 1NNOC3NT. NOT W1THOUT SM4SH1NG H3R B3L13FS OR R3D1R3CT1NG TH3 BL4M3 TO SOM3ON3 3LS3. TH3 F1RST WOULD B3 D1FF1CULT. 1 DONT R3COMM3ND TH3 W4Y 1T W4S DON3 TO M3. 1T W4S 4 LONG T1M3 B3FOR3 1 COULD STOM4CH TH3 THOUGHT OF MYS3LF. TH3 S3COND WOULD M34N TH4T YOU WOULD ST1LL H4V3 TO CONT3ND W1TH H3R H4T1NG SOM3ON3, BUT 4T L34ST 1T WOULDNT B3 G4MZ33. PROB4BLY.

1 HOP3 TH4T H3LPS. 1 HOP3 YOU F1GUR3 OUT HOW TO H3LP H3R, TOO.

-4L3TH314

ALETHEIA

this is a lot what be getting a fathom for. IT EXPLAINS A FUCKING TON. puts to world a whole damn lot what got up being frustrating between us. I FEEL LIKE IT'S BEEN RIGHT THERE NOW. for all i've tried wrapping my thinkpan up around it, i ain't never been able.

YOU'VE OPENED UP A LOT RIGHT THERE. just for and my descendant, you've gone to do it. THAT AIN'T SOUND LIKE IT'S SOMETHING WHAT IS SPILLED EASY OF YOU.

defending the innocent, making good. I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU MADE ABOUT SUCH THINGS ON ALTERNIA BUT I'M ALL HAVING ADMIRANCE FOR SUCH BUSINESS. i think we ain't so unalike so much as that i just didn't use to believe in good people. I THOUGHT BAD THINGS HAPPENED BECAUSE THEY WERE DESERVED TOO. sometimes i was the reckoning. SOMETIMES IT WAS COMING TO ME. i trusted no kindness. I BELIEVED NOTHING BUT THE MIRTHFUL.

i gotta admit, feels i've walked the wire up on this business. I DON'T FIT UP INTO THAT LOGIC, SISTER. when she met me, i wasn't any good. I DIDN'T FEEL A THING WHEN I GOT TO HURTING PEOPLE EXCEPT THAT I FUCKIN LIKED IT OR WANTED TO TASTE VENGEANCE MORE. she riled constant. I WANTED HER GONE FROM ME. but she wouldn't leave. AND THEN IT WAS MAKING SO I DIDN'T WANT HER TO. but i wasn't good sister. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW IT COULD BE SO THAT SHE WAS SEEING OTHERWISE OF ME, ESPECIALLY WHEN I MADE CLEAR WHO I WAS IMMEDIATE. but she practically fucking built me up. SHE GAVE A SECOND CHANCE EVEN WHEN NO ONE WAS GETTING DOWN TO FORGIVE ME AS THIS NEPETA DID FOR HIM.

she sounds like she was a good person, by the by. THIS NEPETA. if she's anything like the leijons what i know, i'm sure she had about her the kindest of hearts.

i don't want her mad at my gods. IT'S MY FAITH AND IT'S GAMZEE AND IT'S BEING PART OF US NO MATTER MOTHERFUCKING WHAT. but it ain't just that. PUTTING BLAME ON A GOD OF DESTRUCTION? to me, that's just getting mad up at a fire because it motherfucking burned you. I GOT MY OWN FEELING COMPLICATED ON IT BUT UP AT THE END OF THE DAY, THAT'S WHAT IT'S BEING AT, ESPECIALLY FOR ONE AS AIN'T FAITHFUL AS ME AND HE.

and i want her to understand too. EVEN IF IT'S HARDER. i want it to be that when she says she pities me, it ain't just an idea of who she's built of me. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE. but sometimes it feels like it is. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE ONE DAY SHE'S GONNA FIGURE IT OUT AND THAT'LL BE IT. i really don't want my descendant being the straw what snaps the spine, you feel me?

I DON'T THINK EVERYONE ILL ANYMORE. that took a long hard ass time for me to come about. LONGER STILL FOR THEM WHAT I THOUGHT WORST OF ALL. ironic they came about to be some of the best. I DON'T THINK MOST PEOPLE IS BEING ALL GOOD OR NO. i think such things is all complicated. BUT I GUESS I HOLD SOME TO BE HIGHER.

the leijons are good. MY MOIRAIL TOO. lot of humans what's really good. AND THEN THERE'S BEING SOME WHAT JUST GOT ON REAL LOST AND AIN'T ABLE TO GET BACK EVEN WHEN THEY'S HEARTS IS THERE.

i think you're good. I THINK YOU, AND MY MATESPRIT, AND THE NEOPHYTE, AND MY FRIEND WHAT SHE USED TO BE. i think you're all good. YOU AIN'T PERFECT OR NOTHING. the neophyte is cold as fuck and being my partner once didn't lead to good. SOMETIMES A HARSHNESS GETS DONE ABOUT. like what things you've got telling me fo judgments or the way matesprit used to try pissing me off to see how well i could be holding back. BUT YOU KNOW. even with all motherfucking that. YOU TRY SO DAMN HARD. you reach out. YOU HELP LIKE YOU THINK YOU OWE IT TO THE WORLD AND THE DAMN WORLD HAS ONLY EVER FUCKING OWED YOU. even cold ass neophyte took up the shackles despite it costing her. YOU ALL JUST

you care. A LOT. always seemed pretty damn good to me.

I BET THAT'S WHAT IT UP AND IS. i bet that's what us makaras keep getting drawn into. YOU PEOPLE WHAT'S GOOD. like it'll soak up all the bad in us and maybe some of that good will rub on off. YOU TRY SO HARD, HOW COULD WE NOT WANT TO GET ON TRYING TOO?

i don't know. I'M NOT SURE HOW TO PICK THIS ALL APART ON HER. especially without it coming undone on us both. BUT I'M GOING TO TRY AND FIGURE THAT OUT.

-izzekiel

Edited 2017-03-19 02:12 (UTC)

1ZZY

1M NOT SUR3 WH4T TO S4Y. 1 TH1NK 1 SHOULD B3 FL4TT3R3D. G4MZ33 S41D SOM3TH1NG S1M1L4R WH3N 1 TOOK H1M 1N, BUT 1 DONT TH1NK TH4T YOU 4R3 4NY MOR3 R1GHT TH4N H3 W4S. W3 4R3 NOT 4S GOOD 4S W3 L1K3 TO TH1NK W3 4R3. W3 TH1NK TOO H1GHLY OF OURS3LV3S. W3 TRY SO H4RD B3C4US3 1N OUR M1NDS W3 4R3 TH3 ONLY ON3S WHO C4N DO WH4T W3 DO. OR SHOULD DO WH4T W3 DO. W3 M4K3 D3C1S1ONS FOR OTH3RS 1N W4YS TH4T DONT 4LW4YS H3LP TH3M B3C4US3 W3 TH1NK W3 KNOW WH4TS B3ST. W3 DONT KNOW HOW TO L3T OTH3RS M4K3 TH31R OWN M1ST4K3S, 3SP3C14LLY TH3 P3OPL3 W3 C4R3 4BOUT.

OR M4YB3 TH4TS JUST M3. WHO KNOWS. BUT 1 WOULDNT R34LLY C4LL TH4T GOOD.

H4V3 YOU 4SK3D H3R WHY SH3 STUCK 4ROUND? 1M SUR3 TH3R3 1S 4 R34SON. 1 C4NT SP34K FOR H3R MYS3LF, 3V3N 1F 1 PR3T3ND TO KNOW WH4T SH3S TH1NK1NG B4S3D ON MY OWN THOUGHTS. M4YB3 SH3 FOUND 4 LOOPHOL3 FOR YOU. M4YB3 1T W4SNT 4 S3COND CH4NC3 TH4T SH3 W4S G1V1NG YOU. M4YB3 TH4T W4S YOUR F1RST CH4NC3.

1F M4K4R4S 4R3 DR4WN TO P3OPL3 WHO 4R3 GOOD, 1 TH1NK PYROP3S 4R3 DR4WN TO P3OPL3 WHO N33D US. TO P3OPL3 WHO G1V3 US 4 PURPOS3. PEOPLE WHO ASP1R3 TO SOM3TH1NG WORTHWH1L3. PEOPLE WHO N33D 4 SHOULD3R TO L34N ON. 4ND FOR THOS3 P3OPL3 WHO G1V3 US 4 PURPOS3, W3 C4N FORG1V3 4LMOST 4NYTH1NG. TH3 F4CT TH4T TH3Y N33D US, TH4T PUTS TH3 R3SPONS1B1L1TY ON US TO ST33R TH31R F4T3.

W3R3 YOU TH4T SOM3ON3 FOR H3R? M4YB3 TH4TS WHY W3 K33P G3TT1NG DR4WN TO YOU TOO.

1M 4FR41D 1 C4NT 4DV1S3 YOU ON HOW TO 4PPRO4CH H3R W1TH 1T. 1 C4NT S4Y 1M TOO H4PPY W1TH TH1S D3STRUCT1ON GOD 31TH3R. F1R3 DO3SNT F33L, DO3SNT TH1NK. 1T JUST 1S. BUT GODS 4R3 ST1LL P3OPL3. TH3Y C4N CHOOS3 TO 4CT, 4ND TH4T CHO1C3 M34NS TH3Y C4N B3 H3LD R3SPONS1BL3.

BUT 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO T3LL YOU HOW TO T4K3 YOUR GODS TO T4SK. 1 ONLY C4R3 TH4T G4MZ33 1S S4F3. H3 WONT H34R 4BOUT 4NY OF TH1S FROM M3. NOT UNL3SS YOU G1V3 TH3 WORD.

-AL3TH314

ALETHEIA

i guess that's being what's different ain't it? YOU'RE BEING ALL THEM THINGS TOO. you all are. BUT FROM THE OUTSIDE, IT JUST DON'T MATTER AS MUCH. maybe when things come apart and shit gets to strife. MAYBE WHEN IT HURTS PEOPLE. but from on out, there's more good to be seen. MAYBE IT'S LIKE THAT FOR EVERYONE.

i feel i've asked. MAYBE I JUST GOT EXPRESSING CONFUSION UP OVER IT AND SHE GOT CORRECTING. she's told me there's difference because i changed but she gave me that chance before that was being the haps. SHE'S TOLD ON AT TO ME THAT SHE SAW ME PAINTING LIKE THAT MEANT ANYTHING. like my ownself as the grand high don't paint every damn day.

... I TOLD HER I WASN'T SURE HOW TO BE DOING IT ALL. she wanted me to get on apologetic for some shit ill what i did. AFTER SHE GOT TELLING ME I'D STAYED AND GOT ME HOOKED THE FUCK IN THERE. i didn't know how to give what she wanted. WHEN WE GOT TO MEETING AGAIN, I ASKED HER TO HATE ME. figured then i could let go. BUT SHE DIDN'T. she went trying to show me how for all everything.

THEN WHEN I RAN UP INTO THE NEOPHYTE, SHE GOT LIKE IT WAS HER FAULT SHE COULDN'T FUCKING UNDO WHAT I WAS IN MY FUTURE. like if she had more time. LIKE IT WAS HER GODDAMN JOB INSTEAD OF A FREEDOM GETTING AWAY FROM ME.

~~i'm a sucker. FUCKING MESS I AM, NO WONDER. i'm a project and i've just used~~

I UNDERSTAND NOW. clear is it coming to be. BEEN SO GRATEFUL FOR THE HELP ALL THIS TIME. i never thought it like this.

ACTION IT WAS OF THE LORD. choice and all. BUT I THINK IT'S STILL MORE COMPLICATED THAN ALL THAT. and i ain't really think i can explain.

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT HER. but you're a pyrope. EVEN IF THINGS IS DIFFERENT, THERE'LL BE SAMENESS. just like with me and gamzee. I'VE KNOWN HER ALL THIS TIME BUT I THINK THIS IS BEING A PIECE WHAT I GOT MISSING. maybe now i can map this on out.

BUT REST ASSURED ALL EITHER WAY, GAMZEE IS NOT GOING TO GO ON THROUGH NONE OF THAT NOISE WHAT ALL HE DID. from now the fuck on, i'll see to it that the only makara name what gets on association with such ills is the grand high.

AND

if you ever got wanting on for sharing an elixir over all anything, i'd be about it. SOUNDS A WRINGER YOU GOT GOING THROUGH TO BE PRYING THIS OUT. i can emphasize, is all. BUT IF YOU AIN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT NOTHING, AIN'T GOT TO BE NO BIG THING OF IT NEITHER. open offer. HOWEVER ALL YOU WISH.

-izzekiel.

1ZZY

1 COULD T4K3 YOU UP ON TH4T. 1TS NOT L1K3 TH1S 1S D1FF1CULT TO SH4R3. 1TS B33N 4 WH1L3 S1NC3 1 L34RN3D 4LL OF TH1S, 4ND 1 H4V3 H4D T1M3 TO D1G3ST 1T. 1 JUST THOUGHT TH4T YOU SHOULD KNOW B3FOR3 YOU BUTT YOUR H34D 4G41NST TH4T P4RT1CUL4R...P3RSON4L1TY TR41T. 4ND 1T M1GHT M4K3 TH1NGS 34S13R FOR H3R TO B3 4BL3 TO L3T TH4T GO.

JUST...DONT CONS1D3R YOURS3LF 4 PROJ3CT. YOUR3 MOR3 TH4N TH4T, 1M SUR3. YOUR3 R1GHT, W3 DO T3ND TO THROW OURS3LV3S 1NTO TH1NGS R3G4RDL3SS OF WH4T W3 G3T B4CK FROM TH3M. BUT W3 ONLY TRY SO H4RD B3C4US3 W3 FOUND SOM3TH1NG WORTHWH1L3 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3.

L3T M3 KNOW WH3N YOU W4NT TO H4NG. 1 W1LL B3 4ROUND.

-4L3TH314

ALETHEIA,

truth be told, butting this nug of mind up against it is something what I've probably been doing a long damn time already. BUT CONSIDER THESE UNDERSTANDINGS KICKED LEGIT. maybe i can get the door this time up instead of the motherfucking wall.

I GET WHAT YOU'RE MEANING AT. them old alterances what don't sting so much no more.

I'LL NOT TELL HER I SAID THAT. i don't want her getting comparison to some others, if you get me. SHE IS BETTER ALL THAN THAT.

thank you, aletheia.

I'LL GET ON TELLING IT ON AT TO YOU THAT I'M DOWN AND FREE. looking the motherfuck on forward to it. :o)

-IZZEKIEL

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