[It's hard to hear. It's hard after going all his life, knowing himself a sinner, knowing himself a traitor, knowing himself motherfucking evil for all the cruelty done about. He's built up a thousand and more reasons why he's something wretched, undeniable facts, and he's understood he's lucky to be granted as much blessing as he's been.
She says he doesn't deserve it. It wasn't fair. He deserved better. From himself, it's a tantrum. From her, it's made real. His breath shudders.
He waits until he can speak. Then, at last, he says the untempered truth. An unsurprising truth but one always somewhat held back, somewhat strangled by his adoration. Now, it sharpens it.]
I wish it had not needed to happen. I wouldn't change it now, wouldn't give up you, wouldn't turn away from earth or whoever all got coming from it. But he... he could have waited. [His voice cracks sharp.] He could've saw as to it when I was a little bit older, when we'd had the chance to live. He could left me some way to heal, spoke softer. He could have left my friends out of it, my quadrants, Gamzee. [Once again, he's in tears before her. Once again, his words get carried away from him.] I ruined everything and he would have made me do it as like it was me! And nobody fucking figured it out, I read it so! They didn't notice or they thought it was being who I am natural. I used to want to save us, all of Beforus, and they... and he...
[He falls quiet. His voice is hoarse when he speaks again.]
... My first proper cull. I was going to die. The troll was so scared of me he was going to cull my ass. And I heard them. The Messiahs. They told me to take faith. They told me what to do to live. They showed me my paint and how to paint all the fuck together. When it was just me alone, I had them. When all my hope got destroyed, I still had them. They were the only ones who I never figured to hurt me. I wanted to believe there was someone what wouldn't... [Past tense. A defeat.]
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She says he doesn't deserve it. It wasn't fair. He deserved better. From himself, it's a tantrum. From her, it's made real. His breath shudders.
He waits until he can speak. Then, at last, he says the untempered truth. An unsurprising truth but one always somewhat held back, somewhat strangled by his adoration. Now, it sharpens it.]
I wish it had not needed to happen. I wouldn't change it now, wouldn't give up you, wouldn't turn away from earth or whoever all got coming from it. But he... he could have waited. [His voice cracks sharp.] He could've saw as to it when I was a little bit older, when we'd had the chance to live. He could left me some way to heal, spoke softer. He could have left my friends out of it, my quadrants, Gamzee. [Once again, he's in tears before her. Once again, his words get carried away from him.] I ruined everything and he would have made me do it as like it was me! And nobody fucking figured it out, I read it so! They didn't notice or they thought it was being who I am natural. I used to want to save us, all of Beforus, and they... and he...
[He falls quiet. His voice is hoarse when he speaks again.]
... My first proper cull. I was going to die. The troll was so scared of me he was going to cull my ass. And I heard them. The Messiahs. They told me to take faith. They told me what to do to live. They showed me my paint and how to paint all the fuck together. When it was just me alone, I had them. When all my hope got destroyed, I still had them. They were the only ones who I never figured to hurt me. I wanted to believe there was someone what wouldn't... [Past tense. A defeat.]
Thank you. For being here. And I'm sorry.