[He shakes his head again. The more he pulls at this the more she crumbles and the more it tears at him too. She says like what happened to him didn't come to be and that carves on into his guts for a whole other reason entire. The hurt is evident.]
No... We broke the same time at we always do. I've told this story before, don't you know it? Surely I must have got telling you...
[Or maybe he just assumed. Either way.
He speaks slow, careful like he's tip-toeing.]
I was six sweeps. It wasn't a quick snap girl, my edges was already worn in by then. I was six sweeps and my only friend was gone. You remember that tale? You remember you traced my scars and told me I was different from them other highbloods? I had all this rage and pain built up inside. I was six sweeps... my bones were broken all the fuck over, my skin carved... I was drawn up by the motherfucking hair of my head to get this throat of mine slit. And I was ready for it. I wanted to die, Terezi. I wanted it to end.
Then my Da came back, there on the shore. I thought he'd come back for me. I thought he'd save me and right then I wanted to live again and I hoped with all my motherfucking heart. And he looked at me... and he left. Just like I thought Signless had because I wasn't good enough. He left and then I killed them. I tore out a seadweller's throat with my teeth. I carved up an olive. I beat a blue to death with my broken motherfucking fists. Then I took the last of my hope, my heart and what good got in it, and I ground it to dust. I screamed out with my voodoo so loud my voice got changed and it never stopped fluctuating until I wished at it away. I dragged myself back to my hive and waited up until I healed.
That was the moment for me, in this life. That was when I decided all would betray. If I ever cared it would merely be my own fault, tearing upon my wounds. No one was good. No one was safe. I had already decided who I was going to up and motherfucking be, those people whom I cared for were just blocks up in my way. If I suffered, it was only my own fault for falling short. The punishment of trusting.
[It's hard to say like this. When he's told this story before it was through bravado and laughter. It was boast and joke. The truth wasn't all that funny. The truth has him trace his own scars, remembering each near death and what it added the fuck on up to. His eyes are distant.]
That happened to me. It's what happened at to him. When at you met me, sister, I was already broken. I have tortured, I have had hiveclusters burned, I've even killed a sister what wanted me in black and I had full intention of killing my Da, and Signless as well if it came to it. My only rules were that I never motherfucking betray them what were truly loyal to me and that I preach no hypocrisy in act to writ. My word would be true. I would look past to see them what had potential, no matter their place. I would keep my word as it was given. The Grand High and I have always done just motherfucking that. You slipped me in through your loopholes, but you too have been making leap through mine, until you tore out all them rules from my hands.
[He had not liked it at the time. He wonders if now she'll understand that, as she's feeling first hand what it's like to have the floor rip out from under.]
I want to help you like you've done for me. Which is why you've got to understand that I'm not a different person as much as all you think. The differences came after, not before. Much as you laughed back then, the troll as all who told you he was the Grand Highblood was very much motherfucking being so. And his ghost is always being with me like I am with him. We're the same. We're Kurloz Makara.
no subject
No... We broke the same time at we always do. I've told this story before, don't you know it? Surely I must have got telling you...
[Or maybe he just assumed. Either way.
He speaks slow, careful like he's tip-toeing.]
I was six sweeps. It wasn't a quick snap girl, my edges was already worn in by then. I was six sweeps and my only friend was gone. You remember that tale? You remember you traced my scars and told me I was different from them other highbloods? I had all this rage and pain built up inside. I was six sweeps... my bones were broken all the fuck over, my skin carved... I was drawn up by the motherfucking hair of my head to get this throat of mine slit. And I was ready for it. I wanted to die, Terezi. I wanted it to end.
Then my Da came back, there on the shore. I thought he'd come back for me. I thought he'd save me and right then I wanted to live again and I hoped with all my motherfucking heart. And he looked at me... and he left. Just like I thought Signless had because I wasn't good enough. He left and then I killed them. I tore out a seadweller's throat with my teeth. I carved up an olive. I beat a blue to death with my broken motherfucking fists. Then I took the last of my hope, my heart and what good got in it, and I ground it to dust. I screamed out with my voodoo so loud my voice got changed and it never stopped fluctuating until I wished at it away. I dragged myself back to my hive and waited up until I healed.
That was the moment for me, in this life. That was when I decided all would betray. If I ever cared it would merely be my own fault, tearing upon my wounds. No one was good. No one was safe. I had already decided who I was going to up and motherfucking be, those people whom I cared for were just blocks up in my way. If I suffered, it was only my own fault for falling short. The punishment of trusting.
[It's hard to say like this. When he's told this story before it was through bravado and laughter. It was boast and joke. The truth wasn't all that funny. The truth has him trace his own scars, remembering each near death and what it added the fuck on up to. His eyes are distant.]
That happened to me. It's what happened at to him. When at you met me, sister, I was already broken. I have tortured, I have had hiveclusters burned, I've even killed a sister what wanted me in black and I had full intention of killing my Da, and Signless as well if it came to it. My only rules were that I never motherfucking betray them what were truly loyal to me and that I preach no hypocrisy in act to writ. My word would be true. I would look past to see them what had potential, no matter their place. I would keep my word as it was given. The Grand High and I have always done just motherfucking that. You slipped me in through your loopholes, but you too have been making leap through mine, until you tore out all them rules from my hands.
[He had not liked it at the time. He wonders if now she'll understand that, as she's feeling first hand what it's like to have the floor rip out from under.]
I want to help you like you've done for me. Which is why you've got to understand that I'm not a different person as much as all you think. The differences came after, not before. Much as you laughed back then, the troll as all who told you he was the Grand Highblood was very much motherfucking being so. And his ghost is always being with me like I am with him. We're the same. We're Kurloz Makara.