[ He doesn't want to lose her either, he thinks. He doesn't want it to be such that this means she turns on away from him. They've come so far... ]
Always going to pity you. No matter what. You know that.
[Even if she can't choose him, after all this. He doesn't mind she comes to him now. He worries for fucking this up but not to be having her near. It's too late to worry on whether having her now might make it hurt later. He can't care about all that noise in this time immediate.
But he shakes his head when she gets talk of going back.]
I can't be doing that girl. Ain't going to be making that the haps. Box is done opened and the clown is up and out. This is just something what's got to be dealt. Just like how things was being like with me back then. You remember that? You remember all them ways I'd get to resist? I'd tell like I couldn't be taking none no more? But I'm here still. You'll be here all tomorrow too.
[Even if not here with him exactly.
He scoops her up. He lifts her easily off the ground, cradling her close, until he can set her down in that pile and they can get this going once a-motherfuckin-gain. He crawls and curls in close to her. He'll take what he can, which may also mean sitting in silence for a moment, simply having her near. He sighs when he must finally admit to greater importance in speaking.]
The past can't be up and undone. Only the future can be made at to change. But that makes things complicated for me... and for Gamzee. To you all, our futures are the past up already. The wicked shit has been done kicked. We may be easier forgiven, but we must atone yet still.
[He takes her hand and kisses the back of it. She doesn't like him bearing guilt, he knows. But he must.]
I had a talk with someone recentlike. Brother what did on some ill, took lives whilst being broke, couldn't be bearing it for his ownself when he came back to. I've been trying to tell him that he can't be bringing the dead back. They ain't going to absolve him and he's knowing that. I told him like what I've been working on out. I said that it ain't his fault for what losses be, but he does have at a responsibility. Those lives taken have to be a lesson. They have to be things meant as all so that up in futures, one can be preventing such happenstance from ever again making to be. The hurt doled is being there still, the guilt all too, but it's being one small way what to make it matter.
[He looks down at her direct.] I can't ever be all good. Can't perceive no light without dark to shine in. Can't never have light without a shadow. My mistakes and the results keep me from making them again. Even the ones I never did upon. It ain't anyone's job to forgive me nor help me, only mine to atone. But without reason to atone, I wouldn't know to do so. You've brought me so far and you ought to be proud. But it ain't on you to preform impossible and claim me clear. You can't unpaint a canvas, but you can paint over it. Do you understand that?
no subject
Always going to pity you. No matter what. You know that.
[Even if she can't choose him, after all this. He doesn't mind she comes to him now. He worries for fucking this up but not to be having her near. It's too late to worry on whether having her now might make it hurt later. He can't care about all that noise in this time immediate.
But he shakes his head when she gets talk of going back.]
I can't be doing that girl. Ain't going to be making that the haps. Box is done opened and the clown is up and out. This is just something what's got to be dealt. Just like how things was being like with me back then. You remember that? You remember all them ways I'd get to resist? I'd tell like I couldn't be taking none no more? But I'm here still. You'll be here all tomorrow too.
[Even if not here with him exactly.
He scoops her up. He lifts her easily off the ground, cradling her close, until he can set her down in that pile and they can get this going once a-motherfuckin-gain. He crawls and curls in close to her. He'll take what he can, which may also mean sitting in silence for a moment, simply having her near. He sighs when he must finally admit to greater importance in speaking.]
The past can't be up and undone. Only the future can be made at to change. But that makes things complicated for me... and for Gamzee. To you all, our futures are the past up already. The wicked shit has been done kicked. We may be easier forgiven, but we must atone yet still.
[He takes her hand and kisses the back of it. She doesn't like him bearing guilt, he knows. But he must.]
I had a talk with someone recentlike. Brother what did on some ill, took lives whilst being broke, couldn't be bearing it for his ownself when he came back to. I've been trying to tell him that he can't be bringing the dead back. They ain't going to absolve him and he's knowing that. I told him like what I've been working on out. I said that it ain't his fault for what losses be, but he does have at a responsibility. Those lives taken have to be a lesson. They have to be things meant as all so that up in futures, one can be preventing such happenstance from ever again making to be. The hurt doled is being there still, the guilt all too, but it's being one small way what to make it matter.
[He looks down at her direct.] I can't ever be all good. Can't perceive no light without dark to shine in. Can't never have light without a shadow. My mistakes and the results keep me from making them again. Even the ones I never did upon. It ain't anyone's job to forgive me nor help me, only mine to atone. But without reason to atone, I wouldn't know to do so. You've brought me so far and you ought to be proud. But it ain't on you to preform impossible and claim me clear. You can't unpaint a canvas, but you can paint over it. Do you understand that?